


The Libertine Circle

by orphan_account



Category: Kill Your Darlings (2013)
Genre: Drug Use, F/M, Follows the movie, M/M, adding in some other things that weren't in the movie, adding some real facts to it, alcohol use, allen loves lucien, but nothing that will change the story, lucien loves allen, will probably continue it after lucien gets out of jail too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 05:48:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6942322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allen Ginsberg is a freshman at Columbia University in 1943 where he meets Lucien Carr, another student. They embark on a journey of self discovery and artistry, becoming what is known as 'The Libertine Circle' with William Burroughs and Jack Kerouc. The group of friends find themselves dealing with everything from sexual identity to murder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I always check to see if any fics have been added to the KYD fandom tag on here, but there's hardly ever any additions. Figured I can't be the only one who ever checks, so I decided to turn the movie into a fic. Things will be added, but I'm following the movie closely.
> 
> Any mistakes are my own.
> 
> KYD belongs to the amazing John Krokidas. I don't own Allen Ginsberg, Lucien Carr, William Burroughs, Jack Kerouac, or any of the other characters considering they were real people. If anyone comes across this and wants it taken down, I will do so. 
> 
> Just meant for entertainment purposes only and I'm not claiming to own any part of the KYD movie or idea. 
> 
> Go buy the movie if you haven't already.

_**1943, Paterson, New Jersey** _

  
It’s a late Tuesday night when Allen gets home from the library. His mother, Naomi, was home all alone, but he figures that since he nailed the windows in her room shut that she would be alright. She wasn’t well. Naomi had some issues inside of her head according to Allen’s father, Louis. The remaining members of the Ginsberg family had issues with deciding on what to do in regards to her, but they usually managed to get on with it just fine. It did, however, put pressure on Allen. He wanted to be home as much as he could so he could take care of her, to let her know that he was there for her always. Wires being in the walls was one of her favorite things to talk about. She claims Louis has hidden little red wires into the foundation of their home so he could spy on her. “I promise you, there isn’t any wires.” Allen would tell her though she only ever argued. It didn’t get to be that way until Allen was about 14. Naomi had always been slightly strange to him, but that’s when he really noticed that something was wrong. She would talk about his grandmother on his father’s side and claim the woman was trying to kill her or that the president was as well. “He’s watching us. He watches all of us.” he remembers her saying very vividly. At the time, Allen wondered if she was just acting up so he would be entertained since he didn’t have many friends then, but he quickly had the sudden realization that she wasn’t.

The time was about 7 pm when Allen began picking up around the house before his father got home. The news was playing from their radio talking about the Germans moving their army towards Romania or something that Allen wasn’t really paying all that much attention to. He switched the station to a popular jazz one and began sweeping the kitchen. If his father came home with the house dirty, he just knows that it’ll be a bad night for everyone. Louis Ginsberg wasn’t a bad man, per say, he just liked to come home after a long day at work as a high school teacher to a clean home. That was all he expected of Allen, really. He never made his son feel like he had to take care of his mother and didn’t mind that he did, just wanted him to remember his chores on top of it. Since Allen was fresh out of high school, Louis wanted him to learn to take care of a family as he took care of theirs. On top of being a high school teacher, the man was also a poet. His work sold a fair amount over the country, but not near enough compared to Ogden Nash like he wanted. So he was stuck with teaching on top of that to make sure their family had everything they needed. Usually he worked longer than the normal school day as he did after school sessions with those who needed extra help with assignments or just wanted to stay back and participate for any extra credit to pass the class. Teaching wasn’t all that bad, but it did have its bad days - like today.

Louis walked in the kitchen not long after Allen started dancing around with the broom, completely embarrassed that his father had seen, but also grateful that he refrained from commenting on it.  
“How was work?”

  
“It was fine until the Anderson’s boy thought it would be funny to draw certain images on the blackboard while I was out of the room. Thank God you aren’t like him, Allen.”

  
A loud cry came from up the stairs just then, making both Allen and his father look towards the hallway.

  
“I told you it wouldn’t work.” Louis shook his head and opened up some mail.

 

Allen rushed up to his mother and found her huddled in a corner with bloody knuckles.

  
“He tried to lock me in while I was in the bath.” A frazzled Naomi spoke out quietly to her son. She just didn’t understand why everyone was out to get her.

  
“He didn’t nail the windows shut, mom. I did because you’re not right.”

  
“Hush, he can hear you. He’s got wires in the walls.” She pointed to the wall nearest to her and squeezed her eyes shut as if she could make her son stop talking that way.

  
“Let me see your hand.” Allen sighs, grabbing a towel from the dresser and leaning down towards his mother, pressing it onto her bleeding hands. Seeing her like this always killed Allen. He hated watching her waste away so slowly. Her mind was practically gone and her last stint trying to get help didn’t do anything for her. Naomi had sworn that institution called _Greystone_ was evil.

  
“Do you want to go back to _Greystone_?” he asks her when she pulled her hands away from the towel.

  
“Shh! He can hear you!” she says out to him, opening her eyes and lowering her voice, “He wouldn’t put me back in there. You wouldn’t let him, would you?”

  
Allen stayed quiet and stood up, turning on some music. Brahms played out just loud enough for their voices to be drowned out if anyone was listening.

  
“Can he still hear me?”

  
Naomi just looks at her son as he helps her stand up, the towel wrapped around one of her hurt hands as she wraps her arms around Allen. “Don’t ever leave me.”

If it were up to Allen, he never would. But he knows that soon life would go on and he would have to too. He wanted to do so many things with his life and he couldn’t if he was always worried about his mother. He was torn, really. Poetry was his calling and it wasn’t going to wait forever for him. He needed to get into school and get started on it as soon as he could. It was why he told himself that he would only go if he were accepted. He wouldn’t leave until it was a sure thing that he was able to study poetry. If that meant he had to stay home with his parents until he was twenty five with just as many rejection letters, then so be it. Allen hadn’t even told anyone he was applying for colleges yet. One of the applications he sent in was for Columbia University. It was the one school he really wanted to go to. They had an amazing writing program and he would even be able to live on campus, which would save him money. A good thing too because he hardly had any at all. He dreaded his mother finding out though. If she ever found out that he was planning a life of his own, he was afraid of what she would do. The only reason she got sent away last time was because she tried to kill herself, blaming it on the president. “He told me it was going to save you, Allen.” She whispered at the hospital before she was taken to _Greystone_. Seeing one of your parents like that would be hard on anyone, but Allen was just happy that she would be safe at the institution. He didn’t want her to go back though after she claimed they only sent her there because they didn’t want her around.

“Why didn’t you tell me you applied to Columbia?” Louis’ voice rang out into the dark night. Allen had stepped outside to get fresh air after his mother went to bed, but that was soon cut short since his father was now leaning against the porch beside him.

  
“I didn’t want mom to know.” Allen admitted, feeling guilty for trying to hide it from his father as well, but he just wasn’t sure what his reaction would be.

  
“New York City is in your goddamn lap. Full of important people and professors.” Louis mutters out before sitting next to his son. “Love that is hoarded molds at last. Until we know, the only thing we have is what we hand away.” Louis watches as his sons face turns down at his poem recital. “I wrote the goddamn poem, now go write your own.” He hands over the envelope with a Columbia University seal on it.

  
Allen reluctantly takes it from his father and slides his finger underneath the sealed wing, watching it rip open slowly. His heart was beating quickly because now he knows that if he gets in, his father wasn’t going to let him stay home. His mother would be all alone with him and Allen wasn’t sure if he liked that very much. The man wouldn’t hesitate to send her back. His eyes feasted upon the words, _‘congratulations’_ and _‘pleased to inform you’_ , making him happy and extremely nervous all at once. “I got in.” He grins at his father and showed him the paper, getting a huge hug in return.

  
“I knew you would! Take after your old man, Allen. Make me proud.”

* * *

  
_**1943, New York City, New York** _

  
Weeks later in September, Allen found himself standing in front of the school he now called his own - Columbia University. It was his first day and even though Allen was leaving behind his life in Paterson, New Jersey he felt a bit relieved. His mother wasn’t very happy that he was leaving, but he promised her that he would come see her all the time and they would talk on the phone as much as possible. She had begged him to stay, but Louis wasn’t going to let him change his mind, “It’s Columbia University and you’re going, goddamn it.”

  
Allen had even felt bad that he felt relieved. Maybe he could use this time to reflect on his mother and think of ways to help her see that she wasn’t okay. Maybe he could convince her to see a doctor, but stay at home during these visits, so they can all come together and think of a way to help her without sending her away again. Maybe he could even find some books on it in the Columbia library. The possibilities were limited, but somehow felt endless as he walked the halls of the fancy university he was now attending. His classes sounded great, the students all looked kind, and his dorm room even looked cozy. Allen placed his bags on his bed and looked around, seeing a map on the wall. His finger glided down the laminated map of New York City, landing on Greenwich Village. It was supposedly where the homosexuals hung out. Maybe he could go there just once to see what it was like.

  
“Don’t wanna go there. Might not come back if you do. Heard it was the land of the fairies.” A man’s voice said from behind him. Allen turned around to see a tall and sweaty blond boy standing there. He had a smile on his face, but it didn’t look like the kind of smile Allen would’ve wanted to see. It was a slightly cocky one that made him think he was about to have the worst roommate in the entire school.

  
“I’m Luke Detweiler.” Luke introduces himself, extending a firm hand for Allen to shake.

  
“Allen Ginsberg.”

  
Luke raises an eyebrow and smiles more friendly than before.

  
“You’re Jewish, right?”  
Allen nods.

  
“I’m getting good at telling.”

  
His roommate leaves and Allen just stands there, wondering if you were allowed to change roommates or not. Luke would’ve been alright, but then he just had to open his mouth. His side of the room was neat and tidy though so Allen thinks that he could just suck it up for the term and request a change next year. Maybe Luke would never be around.

* * *

  
“This is the library. There are books in here from centuries ago that will help you succeed in not just here, but also in life. Books on careers, places in the world, history of mankind, and how to be a proper man and take care of your wife when you get married.” The tour guide grins, swinging his hands around for dramatic effect.

  
“The entrance over there is off limits to students. It’s where the restricted books are kept and you may only use them if you have written consent from a professor, but even then the consent has to be double checked by the librarian and the dean.”

  
“These here are the most important books here at Columbia.” The boy moves them over to a glass case full of open books inside of it. “If the library was a church, these would be the sacraments.”

  
In the glass case laid out original works of the most important in history; _Beowulf, Hamlet, the Gutenberg Bible_. _Hamlet_ was in Shakespeare’s handwriting and Allen couldn’t stop staring. It was truly astonishing to see such a thing. They didn’t have anything like that back in Paterson.

  
“Here at Columbia we take pride in our literary selection. We have only the best of the best so I assure you that you will not be disappointed.”

Suddenly, a flash of red catches Allen’s eye and he sees a boy jumping up onto a table with a book in his hand. He was skinny, tall, blond, and 100% attractive. He looked like an angel and Allen suddenly wanted to be saved of his sins.

  
“Let’s hear a bit, shall we?” the boy asks the group Allen was in, making the tour guide go red in the face.

  
“On a Sunday afternoon, when the shutters are down and the proletariat possesses the street,” he began reciting a story of some sort, but Allen couldn’t figure out from which book it was. Probably the one in his hand that he just had memorized.

  
“There are certain thoroughfares which remind one of nothing less,” he gets down on his knees with a lamp between his legs, “than a big cancerous cock.” He says dramatically, leans back onto the desk as the people in the library are horrified at the language this boy used. It was vulgar and completely unusual for anyone to ever say out loud, but Allen loved it. He held back the grin on his face as best as he could, but it was no use. The smile on his face was sticking out in a sea of angry faces.

  
“What is this nonsense?” the librarian comes over, angered at the outburst.

  
“Henry Miller.” The blond boy says smugly, waving the book in his hand.

  
“Get down from there! That book is restricted!”

  
“Which is why I committed it to memory.”

  
Allen was in love. He just knew it. He hadn’t ever seen such an act before and he was completely fascinated by this boy, whomever he was. He was like the burning heat from sunshine, he was like the color red, so vibrant and loud. Allen needed to know him.

  
“Security!” the librarian shouted out, causing this blond dream come true to jump from the table and run to get away. He was now being chased from the guards, shouting out famous last words, “Alert the press! Tell them Lucien Carr is innocent!”

The silence from the scene before them was interrupted by the tour guide, so obviously flustered and annoyed. “That was highly unusual. Campus is actually very quiet. Moving on to the next part of the tour. We have our own nurse here at school. Many are in line to get them, but we were the first here in the state.”  
The words went in and right back out of Allen’s head. His mind was foggy and full of someone called Lucien Carr.

* * *

  
The rest of the tour had been alright. Allen learned lots of things that he didn’t know about Columbia before, but that’s not what he was focusing on at the moment. He was now in his first class. A man called Professor Steeves was talking about sonnets. Allen had been so busy focusing and taking notes that he didn’t even realize the wonder boy, Lucien Carr, was in his class, sat in the very back corner like he didn’t even want to be there.

  
“The Victorian sonnet has the balance of three tenets.” Professor Steeves explains at the front of the class, pacing back and forth to look at all of his new students.  
“Rhyme, meter, conceit. Without this balance, a poem becomes slack, sloppy; an untucked shirt.”

  
Allen didn’t agree. He knew of a man that fought those rules and did just fine. He raises his hand.

  
“Professor Steeves, then how do you explain Whitman?”

  
Steeves looks down upon Allen and crosses his arms, swinging a hand as he spoke, “Say more. Two more sentences.”

  
“He hated rhyme and meter. The whole point was untucking your shirt.”

  
Allen was confused by the way his professor started smiling. Like he expected one of the students to have the exact argument.

  
“What’s your name?”

  
“Allen Ginsberg.”

  
“Ginsberg? Is your father perhaps the poet Louis Ginsberg?”

  
Allen was surprised that his professor knew of his father. Sure his father’s work did fairly well, but not enough that he expected a professor at Columbia to know of it.

  
Allen nods.

  
“He writes rhyming, metered verse. Why do you think he chose that form?” Steeves then asked, squinting his eyes at Allen, probably expecting him to not have an answer. Everyone was now staring at him and it made Allen wish he never said anything at all.

  
“Because it’s easier.” His father may be a poet, but Allen thinks that his father does the least amount necessary to achieve his works. He could write much better than does, but Allen wouldn’t ever say it to his face.

  
Professor Steeves quiets the class of snickering students, “This university exists because of form and tradition. Would you rather this building be built by engineers or by Whitman and his boys at play?”

  
Allen didn’t have an answer for that. He knew what his professor was getting at, but he didn’t agree still. Yes, the building should be built by people who knew what they were doing and followed the necessary procedures to make sure its done correctly and nobody dies from a collapsing roof, but this was poetry they were talking about. If Whitman could do it differently and succeed, why couldn’t anyone else? Why did you have to follow writing rules? There are plenty of ways to write, you just have to unlock them.

  
“There can be no creation before imitation.” Professor Steeves said, moving on from the discussion with Allen.

  
Lucien turns his gaze towards Allen Ginsberg and smiles to himself.

* * *

  
Later that night after all of his classes were completed, Allen sat in his room doing some homework at his desk. One of his professors had assigned the students to write a small essay about themselves and where they want to be in the next 5 years. Allen wanted to be a published poet. Another dream he had as a kid was a lawyer, but what he really wanted was to be a poet. With his father’s support, Allen didn’t feel the need to have a back up plan. _‘I wish to be a published poet. Not like my father, but like me. I want to be known as Allen Ginsberg: the poet who changed poetry.’_ He wrote down, type writer aside so he could get a rough copy done before typing the complete version.

  
“Put down the paper, we’re going to the social. My brother is Navy and he’s shipping out tomorrow.” Luke tells Allen as he ties his tie in the mirror.

  
“I can’t. You see how much work I have to do.” Allen replies, moving to show Luke his stack of work on his desk.

  
“Oh come on, its catnip for the skirts. We can go out and find you a bird to bring back. That’s what I’m doing, so don’t be here when I get back tonight - if you know what I mean.” Luke winks at Allen in the mirror, turning around to look at him.

  
“I really can’t. I have to get this essay done.”

  
“You hymies really are all about the work, huh?”

  
With that, Luke shook his head at Allen and walked out.

  
Allen swallowed as he stared at the wall thinking about the really offensive slur Luke called him, but also at the skirts comment. Of course Luke assumed that he liked girls. Who was to say he didn’t? Allen was just confused, that’s all. He would be just fine because it would soon go away and he would see that he was normal after all.  
A familiar jazz noise filled the air as Allen began writing again, recognizing it as the Brahms piece he played for his mother after she hurt her hand a while back. It made him a little sad to think about, but he couldn’t exactly concentrate with all of that noise. He followed the sound down the halls and found where it was coming from. Allen opened up the door to see Lucien Carr, the boy from the library, sitting with a cigarette between his lips. His plan was to find the noise maker and ask them to keep it down, but Allen suddenly forgot about that plan and also all about his confusion on his sexuality going away.

  
“Brahms?”

  
Lucien smiled as he blew out some smoke, “Finally. An oasis in this wasteland.”

Yeah, his sexuality crisis was definitely not going away. Allen never found smoking attractive until now.

  
“Are you going to the social?”

  
“Oh, please. Only the most anti-social have to go to an event actually called one - libation?” Lucien gets up and goes over to a table where bottles of alcohol sat.

  
“You drink in your room?” Allen asks surprised, looking around at the way Lucien’s room was set up. A mattress was laying on the ground, candles were lit everywhere, and books were piled high in many stacks. It was interesting to Allen because when he first saw Lucien, he wouldn’t have expected him to own so many books. Let alone anything like the ones he was looking at, Whitman being one on top of a stack by the bed.

  
“How does a horrible bottle of Chianti sound?” Lucien asks Allen, not really waiting for answer before pouring them each a glass and making clinking noises with them.

  
Allen was nervous now. He didn’t drink or smoke or break rules at all, really. He was worried they would get in trouble for drinking in his room.

  
“I don’t drink.” He confesses finally, a little embarrassed.

  
“Freshman?” Lucien guesses luckily, getting a nod from Allen,

  
“Yes.”

  
Lucien hands him one of the two glasses of Chianti without worry.

  
“Excellent. I love first times. I want my entire life to be composed of them. Life is only interesting if life is wide.”

  
Allen stares down at the glass before looking up at Lucien, wondering what he would do if Allen didn’t drink any of it.

  
“To Walt Whitman. You dirty bastard.”

  
Lucien toasts their glasses and drinks the alcohol down in one single gulp, leaving Allen a little stunned.

  
“How’s your Yeats? Have you read _A Vision_?”

  
Allen shakes his head as Lucien walks over to a pile of books by the mattress. “Never heard of it.”

  
“Oh, It’s completely brilliant, but impossible. He says life is round: we’re stuck on this wheel, living and dying.” Lucien hands Allen the book, opened up to a page with a photo of a circle on it. Little markings around it where Yeats explains the wheel of life.

  
“An endless circle. Until someone breaks it. You walked in here, you ruptured the pattern,” Lucien makes a gesture with his hands, “Bang! The whole world…”

  
“Gets wider.” Allen finishes for him, making Lucien confused on how he knew what he was going to say.

  
“Consonance. Reiteration of themes.” Allen tells him with a shrug, seeing the look on the boy’s face.

  
Lucien’s face lights up at that, looking completely amazed at Allen.

  
“Are you a writer? Because I’ve got a job for a writer.” his voice was soft and intrigued as he steps closer to Allen, making the space between them start to disappear.

  
“No, I’m not.” He shakes his head, wishing he could say yes, but truth of the matter was that he actually wasn’t a writer at all.

  
Allen felt his breath hitch as Lucien neared in on him, standing a little to close and Allen didn’t really mind. The color of Lucien’s blue eyes were now piercing into Allen’s soul, or at least that’s what it felt like. They looked so pure and beautiful and it was almost like Lucien could see right through him. See how desperately he wanted to be a writer and be an important one, too.

  
“Well, you’re not anything yet.” Lucien whispers before taking a drag of a freshly lit cigarette.

  
Their staring at each other was broken when someone out of the room calls his name, “Ginsberg?!”

  
Allen didn’t even register his name was being called until Lucien smirked at him.

  
“Isn’t that you?”

  
Again, “Ginsberg?!”

  
“What?!” Allen calls back loudly, not wanting to leave the presence of Lucien Carr just yet.

  
“Phone call!” the voice shouts back, making Allen want to strangle whoever is on the line for him because they just ruined what could’ve been a good moment.

  
Allen hands Lucien back the book and sits the drink on a table, “I’ll be right back.” He promises after considering on ignoring the phone call, silently wishing Lucien would be okay with it and want him to come back.

  
Allen leaves the room and goes over to the phones, taking one from some boy who looked at him with an irritated expression.

  
“Hello?”

  
“I found the wires,” His mothers voice speaks back to him, making Allen sigh a bit. He felt bad for even thinking about ignoring the call now, “He’s trying to get inside my head.”

  
“Dad is not trying to get inside your head, okay? Put him on.” Allen says softly, needing to make sure everything was okay.

  
“He’s not home. He left.”

  
Allen scrunches his face up and looks around, adjusting the phone onto his other ear.

  
“Where’d he go?”

  
“Honey, I need you to come back home now.”

  
Allen licks his lips at the change of topic, wondering how often his father will be leaving her all alone like this. It wasn’t right.

  
“Mom, I can’t come back home. Listen, I need you to take care of yourself.”

  
“I don’t feel good.”

  
Allen can tell that shes frowning and probably sitting in the bedroom up against the wall with the phone stretched out from its base. He was about to reply, but then he sees Lucien walk by.

  
“Are you going to the dance?” he asks his new friend, covering up the mouth piece on the phone, but his mother still heard.

  
“No, downtown.” Lucien whispered back as his mother started talking.

  
“Is he there with you?”

  
“No, mom, he isn’t here with me.”

  
Allen watches Lucien walk away with a goodbye wave, feeling torn on if he should stay talking to his mother or go with this boy.

  
“I’ll come home as soon as I can.”

  
“You need to promise.”

  
“Yes, I promise. I love you, bye.” He says into the phone and hangs up right after so he could catch up to Lucien.

  
Breathless, Allen finds him on the stairs and gets a smile.

  
“Coming?”

  
He nods back and follows Lucien out.

  
A coat gets thrown around Allen’s shoulders as they hit the chilly air outside of the Columbia entrance doors, Lucien leading him down the street and around a corner into the wild night of the Upper East Side.

* * *

  
_**48 Morton Street** _

  
“Welcome to the edge of the world.” Lucien smirks at Allen when they reach their destination of Greenwich Village.

  
The smell of cigarettes and alcohol filled Allen’s nose as they walked up some stairs in a building that Allen thought looked a little sketchy. Maybe it was just the fact that he hasn’t ever actually been anywhere that people his own age hung out at and had nothing to compare it to. Maybe it wasn’t sketchy at all.  
It seemed like the crowd Lucien hang out with didn’t care about social norms. A black man was making out with a white woman and two women were making out with each other in the corner beside the interracial couple. Both things were very shocking to Allen, but in a good way. It was a nice sight to see for a change. They then came across an older woman sharing a cigarette with a boy who seemed to be as old as Allen was, 17. She smirked at him as if she was offering him some if he wanted it. Allen looked away quickly to find that Lucien was smirking as well.

  
“Allen in wonderland.”

  
Lucien knew the look on Allen’s face and he envied it. It was the look of a first time. The look of being introduced to a whole new world that you never thought you would come across. He remembers the first time he ever found out a place like this one existed. It was pure ecstasy to not be subjected to the same old dullness of Columbia University. Though his finding out about this world was due to another dullness in his life that goes by the name of David.

  
The two boys walked into the apartment, door wide open, and Lucien immediately grabbed the nearest woman and started to kiss her. Allen just watched in complete horror considering he’s never even so much as kissed anyone before and Lucien didn’t even ask this woman if it was alright. When he pulled away from the kiss, Allen noticed that he also stole her drink.

  
“Do you know her?” Allen wonders as they walk off from the woman who looked caught off guard still, but with a satisfied smile.

  
“No, and I don’t plan on it. She tasted like imported sophistication and domestic cigarettes.”

  
The next room Lucien took Allen to was a bathroom. Some man was laying in the bathtub with a mask over his face, alcohol bottles were in the sink full with ice, and someone else was standing beside the tub, smoking a cigarette.

  
“Fuck.” Lucien mumbled out, seeing all of the bottles were empty.

  
“Dave! Where’s the liquor?” Lucien calls out into the home before telling Allen he would be right back, walking off out of the bathroom.

  
Allen sat on the edge of the tub awkwardly and looked around, hearing the man in the tub mutter out to him.

  
“You are pinching.” The voice was muffled and sounded breathy like they didn’t have much oxygen.

  
Allen turned around to look, but the man surely had enough oxygen. He was wearing a mask, wasn’t he?

  
“You are pinching.” He repeated again, making Allen look down and see he was sitting on the hose leading into the mask.

  
“Oh, sorry.” Allen quickly says and moves the hose into the tub with the strange man.

  
He looked older than he and Lucien, and was wearing an expensive looking suit. He looked sort of like Allen imagined bad people looked like. Someone who stole cars or robbed places and did lots of drugs. That tank definitely wasn’t full of oxygen.

  
“Are you alright?” he continues, hoping he didn’t sound stupid. The man just looked at him for a moment unsure, but then started talking back.

  
“Artifacts in the visual field, some light-headedness. Motor hyperactivity.”

  
Confused, Allen looks down at the tank again and then back up to the man.

  
“What is that?”

  
“Nitrous oxide, for narco-analysis. Know thyself and beshit thyself - ever done that?” he was asked, shaking his head quickly in return. Allen wasn’t even sure he knew what that meant completely. Did he even want to know? Probably not.

  
The man then looked like he became suspicious of Allen, giving him a wide eyed look then looked around the bathroom as if he were paranoid before taking off the mask and lighting up a joint, offering it to Allen.

  
“Oh, no, thanks. I don’t do, the uh, the cannabis.” Allen informs this man, getting a look of skepticism.

  
“Show me the man who is both sober and happy, and I will show you the crinkled anus of a lying asshole.” This curious man brings the joint to his lips as Lucien returns.

  
“Allen, Willy. Willy, Allen.” He starts off, introducing the two men, “Lucien, reefer.” He smirks, taking the joint out from the man’s lips. Bill rolled his eyes at the nickname and also at Lucien for taking his joint. Weed was hard to get lately and even though he was rich, Bill hated having to track people down to buy it all the time.

  
Lucien grabs Allen’s hand and leads him back out to the party. Allen ignored the tingling sensation that his hand got at the touch.

  
“Is he a criminal?” he whispers to Lucien, moving his head towards the bathroom at Bill.

  
“He wishes he were a criminal. The Burroughs family is richer than God.” Lucien brings the joint to his lips and blows out into Allen’s face.

  
“He looks like a criminal.”

  
“He’s a Harvard man and he’s going to be an amazing artist. His current medium is himself.” Lucien tells Allen as he slips a paper into his coat pocket.

  
“What’s that?”

  
“Bunk for school. Come on, I want to introduce you to our host.”

  
Lucien drags Allen into the living room of the apartment where a crowd of people were gathered around while an older man was talking with a wine glass in his hand, circling the top of it.

  
“What there is, darlings and demoiselles, is a circle. Life is round. Patterns, routine, a wheel of self-abuse. Margaret, don’t even deny it.” The man says, pointing towards a girl on the couch at the end who was probably the Margaret he was talking about. Margaret laughed and raised her glass for a cheer.

  
Allen couldn’t help but noticing the similarities between this older man and Lucien. They both have quoted Yeats and they even speak the same way about it, as if they truly buy into it even though they think its impossible.

  
“He sounds like you.” He whispers to Lucien, turning towards him.

  
“It was me, first.” Lucien replies back, looking back at Allen with a slight smile on his face.

  
The older man sees the two boys talking and eyes Allen, thinking its best if he broke up the conversation.

  
“Until, the disruption we long for comes along and the circle is broken.” He continues on to the group.

  
“He said he was my guardian angel, but that I was too much work.” Lucien tells Allen, ignoring the man talking.

  
That same man stops talking long enough to stroll over towards the two boys, more specifically towards Allen, “Take this unbloomed stalwart,”

  
Allen looks at Lucien in panic, seeing that Lucien had the same reaction as Allen was being pulled out into the center of the room.

  
“And you are?” the older man asks Allen curiously, looking like Allen crashed the party with intention to send everyone to jail.

“Allen.”

  
Bill steps in, seeing his friend pouncing on Lucien’s party guest, “Play nice, David.”

  
David ignores him.

  
“Allen, who comes to uninvited to my apartment.”

  
“Actually,” Lucien speaks up, “I invited him.”

  
David didn’t care, ignoring him like he ignored Bill.

  
“None of us notice him. Look at him, why would we bother?”

  
Allen glances down at his clothes, thinking he looked just fine in his tucked shirt and iron creased pants, but apparently the entire party had other thoughts.

  
“So the pattern of our evening, our lives, holds. But under the right circumstances, even he might change the world.” David continues on, making Allen feel insulted.

  
He didn’t even know this man and he was purposely making him the center of attention so everyone could judge him, make fun of him, and laugh at him. It was obvious that Allen wasn’t liked by this David character, but he had no idea why.

* * *

 

**_Tavern_ **

  
The party was soon over for everyone except Allen, Lucien, Bill, and David. Lucien dragged them all down to the tavern nearby to continue on with it. Jazz music was playing as a black woman sang beautifully into a mic on stage, in Allen’s opinion.

  
David, sitting across Allen, eyes at him for a few moments before finally speaking up.

  
“So, you met Lucien in the lunch line and now he’s all you can see.”

  
It wasn’t even a question, more of an accusing statement.

  
Not answering back at the topic, Allen goes for another route, “Why don’t you like me?”

  
Bill was holding a cup of beer up to his mouth when he answered for David, “Because David was in the same godforsaken line.”

  
Allen looks between the two men as they both share a look with one another. Was Lucien with this man? This horrible, horrible man? Allen hoped not. His thoughts were disturbed by Lucien coming back and sitting down with a drink. Smirking he held up the drink to show his friends. “Some earjob at the bar just called me “boy”, so I stole his drink.” He looked very pleased with himself and Allen couldn’t help laughing at it. He looks around the bar and sees someone he immediately recognizes.

  
“That’s Ogden Nash!” he says happily and also surprised to see the man at a bar like the one they were in. Didn’t famous people go to better bars than this? He should be at a better bar.

  
“Who’s Ogden Nash?” Lucien interjects.

“The best selling poet in the country.” Allen says as if it should’ve been known already.

  
“Perhaps you know this one, Lu, _‘A girl who is bespectacled, she may not get her nectacled. But safety pins and bassinets.._ ” Bill starts off with an amused tone.

  
“ _Awaits the girl who fassinets._ ” David finishes him off.

  
Lucien practically gagged at those words, wondering why on Earth this man was the best selling poet in the country when his stuff sounded like a 6 year old wrote it.

  
“And that’s what he’s selling? I’ll kill him.” Lucien jokes around, still having a sour look on his face.

  
Bill takes out his switchblade and plays along, “Aim for the throat.”

  
An idea turning in his head, Lucien leans into his friends more as if it were a secret only for them, “No. We’re not going to kill him. Even better, we’re going to make sure nobody remembers him.” Lucien began, turning towards Allen. “How many men started the Renaissance?”

  
“Two.”

  
“And the Romantics?”

  
“More than I suspect this theory accommodates.” David budges in the conversation.

  
Allen thinks about the question, mouthing the number 5.

  
Lucien got this look on his face, determination and passion, like he had just discovered the meaning of life.

  
“We’re sending millions to fight the Fascists in Europe, but they’re here! Meter and rhyme-”

  
“And Professor Steeves.” Allen adds in quickly.

  
“Yes! They’re all guards in some prison. Let’s make the prisoners come out and play. Let’s come up with new words, new rhythms.” Lucien says to them, amazed at the idea.

  
“We need a name.” He continues on, seeing how interested Allen looked.

  
“How did they come up with ‘Dada’?” Allen asks the group.

  
“Tristan Tzara jabbed a knife into a dictionary.” Bill answers, playing around with his own knife that was still out.

  
“Shit. So that’s been done.” Lucien comically says.

  
“A literary revolution without writing a word. Fascinating, Lu.” David says teasingly to Lucien, getting ignored.

  
“What about Yeats? How about The New Vision.” Allen had been thinking back to their first conversation and the Yeats book that Lucien showed to him.

  
Lucien looks at Allen amazed, wondering why he hadn’t come up with it himself. It was brilliant.

  
“Ginsy! That’s brilliant! You’re hired.”

  
He smiles at Allen and just for a moment its like they’re the only two people in the entire bar. They’re both looking each other in the eye with a smile, Allen’s more shy than Lucien’s, but both still had smiles on their faces like they couldn’t believe they hadn’t known each other all of their life.

  
Suddenly, the music stops playing and two police officers are escorting two gentlemen out of the bathrooms, hands behind their backs. They were being arrested for being together. Homosexuality was a big crime and Allen was terrified at the sight. He was utterly attracted to the man sitting next to him while two other men who had the same thoughts as him were being arrested for it. Allen gulps and looks across at David who was staring at him knowingly.

* * *

  
This was the first time that Allen has ever stayed out all night. He, Lucien, David, and Bill had been at the bar talking about The New Vision all night and got carried away along with getting drunk on conversation and on beer. David and Bill left before Allen and Lucien did, but when Allen left with Lucien, he realized that Lucien was way more drunk than he was. Allen had broke down last night and gave in to Lucien feeding him beer. It was fun and Allen had no idea what he had been missing all this time. They stumbled to the ground as Lucien laughed,

  
“In the dawn, armed with a burning patience, we shall enter the splendid city!”

  
Allen suddenly sits up, realizing he never went home.

  
“Shit!”

  
“It’s Rimbaud. It’s overwritten, I know, but hes allowed.” Lucien says, thinking Allen was criticizing his chose of words.

  
“No, my mother. This is bad, this is very bad.” Allen says with a panicked tone.

  
“What is?”

  
Allen stands up and Lucien follows behind, looking at the dark haired boy curiously.

  
“She’s going to be furious.” Allen shakes his head, dusting himself off. He should’ve been home 12 hours ago.

  
“Don’t go then.” Lucien suggests, thinking it should be an obvious choice.

  
“You don’t understand. I have to.”

  
“Why?”

“It’s complicated.”

  
Lucien looks at Allen, seeing how scared and worried he seemed. He locked their arms together and smirked slightly,

  
“Perfect. I love complicated.”

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I don't own anything that has to do with KYD, all rights belong to John Krokidas 
> 
> Any mistakes are my own.
> 
> Go buy the movie.

_**Paterson, New Jersey** _

  
The train ride to Paterson was quiet. It consisted of Lucien making snide little comments about the other passengers while Allen just gave little chuckles in response. They were still wearing the clothes from the night before and probably reeked of alcohol, but neither of them cared. His father surely wouldn’t either. He would make some big announcement of how proud he was that his son Allen was finally becoming a man a began to drink like one too. Most men felt the same way as his father did, felt like you weren’t really a man until you could hold your liquor down. When Allen told Lucien of this, he laughed.

  
“Then I suppose I’m the most manly man to ever walk this fine Earth, Ginsy. Did you know that when I drink, I never throw up after? It’s a gift, I like to think that the universe has blessed me with such a power. It helps open up my creative flow within, just like other stuff does. I’ll show you them later.”

  
Allen wondered what other things he could be talking about, but made no question about them. Lucien was absolutely brilliant and Allen wanted to be like him despite anything he did. He would take after and see life as Lucien did. Everything just made more sense with him.

  
When they got off of the train, Allen told Lucien about the things they passed while walking to his house. The cabs were expensive and he needed to save what money he had left for their train ride back to school. The town was smaller than New York City, but it was still decent sized. Businesses lined the streets with people wondering in and out of them, couples holding hands as they stopped at the street carts where people sold fruits and vegetables. Lucien found the park near Allen’s house to be quite lovely, but Allen didn’t reply to that. It was a run down park with lots of weeds around it, completely dead grass, and a broken down play ground. It hasn’t been in use since the 20's, or so his father says anyway. It wasn’t beautiful.

They walked inside of Allen’s home to see a group of men standing around with his mother and father. Louis was sitting in his chair smoking a cigar while Naomi was being held by one of the men.

  
“ _Greystone_ will contact you if there is any change.” One of them said to Allen’s father after he signed a form.

  
“Dad, what’s going on?” Allen looked around the men, turning towards his father with wide eyes. He was sending her away.

  
“Your mother needs her rest, Allen.”

  
His mother looked so dazed and loopy, probably on some sedatives, but still was able to glare at her son.

  
“You can’t do this to her, it’s not fair!”

  
Naomi cuts off Louis from talking, “Where were you?” she asks Allen, face looking like she has been betrayed. Allen was supposed to come for her and he never did.   
“I was out with a friend.” He felt horrible. None of this would be happening if he had just remembered to come home and take care of her. It was a bad idea to go to school, it was a bad idea to ever even think about applying to Columbia. His mother needed him and he wasn’t there for her. He felt selfish.

  
His mother glanced over at Lucien who was standing against the wall, looking down at a space on the wallpaper so he didn’t get into the scene in front of him. He knew all too well of what Allen’s mother was feeling.

  
“I called you! You promised.” She said sadly to her son before her face got angry again and she yanked her arms away from one of the men, though he just grabbed it right back. “It’s time to go Mrs. Ginsberg.” He takes her over to the living room entryway, but Allen pulls her back.

  
“You aren’t leaving, you can’t leave!”

  
Naomi pointed a finger towards Louis, making Allen look over at him. “He already signed the papers. You can’t let him do this to me, Allen!”

  
“Dad?” Allen was on the brink of tears.

  
“It’s for the best.” Louis shakes his head, ignoring the way Naomi was looking at him.

  
“Yeah, your best.”

  
“Its for her best! It’s not for my best! Look at her, Allen. Listen to her!”

  
His mother was now ranting on and on about how Louis and the president were working together to get rid of her so they could have Allen all to themselves. Allen didn’t care though. He should be the one to take care of his mother, not people who she doesn’t even know or like. They didn’t know her like Allen did and they couldn’t help her like he could.

  
“Get off of her!” he shouts at a nurse, trying to pull her away with no luck.

  
“This is all your fault.” Naomi spat at Allen as she was being taken out of the house. Allen just stood there and stared at the front door. His mother was on her way to _Greystone_ again and it was all his fault. She was right. He should’ve been there. He let her down. He was the reason she was going back. His father may have called and told them to come get her, but it was because of him that he had to. Allen breaks down and starts crying, tears coming down his cheeks silently. He didn’t want to cry in front of Lucien, but he had no choice. They wouldn’t stop coming out. His entire body ached for his mother. He needed her.

Allen and Lucien stayed at the Ginsberg residence for a few hours. They didn’t talk much, but Lucien just made sure to stick around closely to Allen. His friend was hurting and he knew the feeling. Nobody should be alone during a time like this. He even made sandwiches for the two. They sat in the kitchen at the table as Allen showed him the collection of records he had and which ones his mother liked best.

  
“There's some Cola in the fridge if you want some. Can you get me one?” Allen asks Lucien as he runs his fingers over the Brahms record he played for his mother a lot. He missed her already. Lucien did as he was asked and dug in the fridge for two bottles of Cola. Louis had been out, saying he needed to meet someone for some business proposition or something, that he would be back later and would bring dinner for them all. At least Louis liked Lucien. Though the feeling wasn’t all that mutual. Lucien didn’t like that Mr. Ginsberg was forcing Allen’s mother into an institution when she clearly didn’t want to go. He hated institutions more than anything so he didn’t blame her at all.

  
Louis got back around 6 and brought home some stuff to make hot dogs with. “Figured we could have hot dogs for dinner, Allen. Hope you like these Lucien, forgot to ask.” He admits, emptying the paper bag from the market.

  
“Oh, yeah. Thank you.” Lucien nods, suppressing the urge to make a dick joke.

  
Allen was extremely annoyed. His father didn’t even seem to be upset at all by his mother leaving. He didn’t understand how you could marry someone and just get rid of them like they were garbage. It was hard to see her like that, Allen gets it, but his father could’ve just tried to help her more. He never tried to help her, it was always Allen who did so.

  
The dinner was full of Louis talking about responsibilities and how you sometimes have to make hard decisions based on whats best for the people you love. He didn’t say Naomi’s name, but Allen knew he was talking about her. He was acting like he was some sort of hero for sending her away. Allen wanted to protest, but he has never talked back to his father before and earlier was the very first time he’s ever been disrespectful to him. He was going to hear about it later. Lucien looked just as awkward as Allen did. The boy wasn’t sure if he should agree and keep quiet on what he thought for Allen’s sake or if he should just get it over with and say what he knew he and Allen were both thinking.

  
After dinner, Lucien went outside for a smoke even though Louis insisted that he could smoke inside.

  
“I don’t know what has gotten into you, Allen, but you will never speak to me like that again, do you understand? I sent her away because she needs help. I don’t know what else to do for her. You’re gone and she’s home all by herself most of the time. Do you want her to try and kill herself again? Because that's what would happen if I left her here any longer. She isn’t supervised like she needs to be now that you’re gone.” Louis starts at him when Lucien goes out onto the porch.

  
Allen stays silent the whole time Louis is digging into him, complaining at him for his behavior earlier. “If you speak to me like that again, you’ll be out of Columbia faster than the time it took you to get here. No man who speaks to his father that way can handle a school like Columbia. Don’t force me to pull you out of school.”

  
“Yes, sir.”

  
“Good. Now go get your friend and go to bed. You need to go back to school tomorrow. I’ll be gone when you wake up so I’ll leave some money on the table for you.”

  
Allen goes outside with Lucien and sits down next to him. They haven’t talked about what happened yet, but Allen knew that he probably should.

  
“Complicated enough for you?” he sighs, staring down at the concrete step below him.

  
Lucien took a drag of his cigarette and stared at the same spot as Allen.

  
“At least you have her.” He whispers, laying back against the ground.

  
His voice was harsh and Allen could tell that he’s been crying.

  
“My father left me when I was four.” Lucien continues, staring up into the night sky, cigarette between his fingers.

  
Allen looks over at him, a beat of understanding between the two.

  
“I’ve been thinking about what Yeats said,” Allen casually informs him, laying back next to him, “To be reborn, you have to die first.”

  
They could leave all of their struggles behind. They could be new people. Forget about everything bad that's ever happened to them. He and Lucien could make themselves be reborn. Allen could find a way to be more like Lucien; carefree. It was a nice idea considering it always felt like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

  
Lucien perks up a bit and eyes Allen curiously, “What do you suggest?”

* * *

**_Lucien’s dorm room, Columbia University_ **

They got back to the school just fine, spending the $10 Louis left them on some food and the rest on their tickets. They didn’t talk about yesterday on the train ride, both silently agreeing that it was best to not talk about it. They were both vulnerable and Lucien didn’t like it. He shouldn’t have said anything at all about his father. Opening up was a hard thing for him to do, but whenever he was around Allen, he just seemed so sure that it would be okay if ever did want to open up to him. Doesn’t mean he liked it though. They didn’t go to class either. Allen felt that they could both use a day off and, of course, Lucien didn’t object. He never really went to class anyways.

  
In Lucien’s room, they placed two chairs next to each other and stood on them, wrapping nooses around their necks and listening as music played out into the room.

  
“I’ve spent my whole life making other people happy.” Allen spoke while standing on one of the chairs. Another thing he has taken from Lucien was smoking, first trying it when they got back to the school. He quite enjoyed it. It made him feel less stress and, in a weird way, it didn’t taste too bad either. He could see why others did it. It was relaxing. But this, standing on the chair with the rope tied around his neck, it made him feel the same way. Relaxing, but also overwhelming. It was crazy how he could just make it all go away with one snap of a finger, stepping off of the chair and have nothing to worry about anymore.

  
“It’s time I find happiness in the only way I see possible.” Allen continues, laughing when Lucien groaned.

  
“Oh please, die already! Where’s the verve? The brio?!” he kicks the record player and the music starts to screech, “If it be that I am indulging my self consciousness in justifying myself, or if it be-”

  
“That's a run on.”

  
“Don’t edit me!” Lucien shoves Allen playfully, making him fall off the chair, the noose snapping around his neck, choking him.

  
“Shit!” Lucien panics, trying to help Allen, but then slipping off the chair himself and dangling in mid air all the same. They were struggling, trying to take the rope off from around their necks, but were failing miserably. It was a complete accident and it was horrifying. They were going to die by an accidental suicide; as if anyone would ever believe it to be accidental though.

  
Thankfully, the pipe that their ropes were tied to began bending and snapped, making them fall to the floor. Both boys were yanking at the rope around their necks with wide eyes, staring at each other. Out of no where, they burst into laughter. It was relief! They were alive an the rush of actually almost dying was too much, Allen felt like he could do anything.

* * *

_**48 Morton Street, David's apartment** _

  
“The New Vision declares -”

  
“Proclaims is better.” Lucien interrupts Allen with a smile.

  
“Proclaims the death of morality and…” Allen trails off in thought as he and Lucien pace around the room, Bill reclining on the couch beside them.

  
They were at David’s apartment, trying to work on The New Vision, to get a grasp of what exactly they wanted to be about and what they wanted to do.

  
“The expression of self.” Lucien adds.

  
“The true, uninhibited, uncensored expression of the self.”

  
“Words, boys. Empty words.” Bill disagrees with them.

  
“Then what do you suggest?” Lucien wonders, stopping in front of Bill for split second before pacing once more.

  
“The derangement of the senses.”

  
Allen and Lucien stop and look at each other at the perfect idea from Bill.

They met there in David’s home over the course of the next few days, discussing and working on The New Vision, typing and smoking and drinking until they couldn’t think any longer. Bill cracked open a Benzedrine container and removed the soaking strip of drug inside of it, placing it into three plain white coffee cups. They all downed the drink quickly, needing the effect of the drug to continue on their literary discussion. The New Vision was going to change lives. They needed to be able to fully use their mind, subconsciousness, and potential. Allen had even skipped all of his classes to work on the vision with Lucien and Bill.

“What do you hate from the pit of your stomach?” Bill asks the two boys. Both, without hesitation, knew exactly what they hated.

  
Lucien hated institutions. He would destroy every last one of them if he could. He also hated his father. His stupid, good for nothing old man who abandoned him when things got hard.

  
Allen hated something that seemed simpler. He hated Paterson, New Jersey. It was a reminder of what his mother was going through and how his dad didn’t care about it at all. Paterson, New Jersey was a cage that wanted to lock Allen inside of it forever.

  
“Institutions.” Lucien said as both boys paced once again.

  
“Paterson, New Jersey.”

  
“My father.”

  
That was it. The deep hatred that you need to fulfill an artistic quest, “Bingo.” Bill nodded at them, laying on the couch.

 

“Extraordinary men propel society forward. It is our duty to break the law.” Lucien says the next day, back in David’s apartment.

  
Allen stops in his tracks from pacing, looking right at Lucien.

  
“Really?”

  
“It’s how we make the world wider.”

  
Allen suddenly understands completely. Lucien is a genius. He is one of the extraordinary men that will propel society forward. Allen was sure of it.

  
“You are an extraordinary man.”

  
Lucien glows at Allen’s words, smiling as he takes a cigarette between his lips, “Well, thank you.”

Bill begins removing books from David’s bookshelf about an hour later, tossing them at Allen. Each were pieces of literature and classic art, things that could help them see the concept of Allen’s mind.

  
“Tear them up boys! Destroy the old and build the new!” Bill instructs to Lucien and Allen, watching as Allen used knifes and scissors to rip up the pages inside of the books, only to toss the pieces to Lucien who nails them up onto the wall. It was the beginning of a creation, a big masterpiece of words. The inner thoughts and process of how Allen sees the world. The entire wall is full of words.

_Allen is sitting at a table with Bill and Lucien, tapping along to the music with a cigarette in his mouth, drinks in front of him. They were at the Harlem night club with a live Jazz singer playing on stage. They were drunk, mostly Allen. He was enjoying himself, tapping on Bill’s shoulder at the beat then on the tables, Lucien laughing and tapping on him every now and then. It was the most fun he’s ever had before. He felt so connected with his inner self, but also felt so free from the world. He was as light as feather. Suddenly, the music slows down and everyone in the club besides him and his friends are frozen. Allen looks around confused, seeing that not a single person was moving an inch. The band had stopped playing mid beat, the singer’s mouth was open in mid note, looking out into the frozen solid crowd. Allen pulls out another cigarette, dangling it from between his lips when Bills offers a light. His finger was on fire, lighting up his rolled tobacco, and licking the finger clean. Another universe. Allen was in another universe. The room was still and fingers were on fire, thoughts were non existent. Lucien steals his cigarette and gets up, Allen following behind. It was a beautiful frozen moment. All that Allen could see was Lucien until he leaned over an attractive, frozen black woman, whispering in her ear, “Go.” The woman unfreezes and climbs over the table, making out with another man who wasn’t her husband. The man unfreezes at the touch and kisses her back as if she were the only thing he desired. Lucien and Allen sit down on the stage, just below the drum player. Lucien takes out his boy scout knife and Allen’s hand wraps around the blade, Lucien pulling on it and slicing Allen’s hand down the middle. Allen winces in pain, watching Lucien do the same to his own hand. He presses their hands together, bleeding palms touching and connecting their bodies and souls. It was a ceremony, in a way. An initiation between the two friends, now bound together. Just then, a man appears and Allen sees it to be David. “What the hell is this?”_

Allen finds himself back in David’s apartment, technicolor fading. It was just a hallucination. A mask was on his face, breathing in nitrous oxide that would help explore the deepest parts of his mind. The same gas that Bill used in the bathtub when they first met. Lucien’s hand was still pressed against Allen’s, not bothering to remove it. David didn’t like it.

  
“Time slows down as you drift deeper and deeper into your cave.” Bill tells Allen, who was sitting on the floor against the wall of scattered cut pages with Lucien. He was still out of it, mask over his face. Bill then turns off the gas when he notices David was in the room, having taken the gas himself before Allen did.

  
“We are exploring the avenue of Allen’s mind.” He explains to his friend who looked angry. His apartment was destroyed. Papers were everywhere, his books were ruined, and Allen Ginsberg was practically holding hands with his Lucien.

  
“Dimly-lit, I’m sure. What have you done to my apartment?” David demands, looking around.

  
Allen struggles to his feet as Lucien steps between David and the wall. “Don’t touch anything. We have to write it all down.”

  
Bill stands up like Allen and looks around for something, unable to find it. “Get this man a pair of scissors! He can help create.”

  
“This is not your revolution, this is my life!” David complains, wanting everyone to leave immediately.

  
“What kind of life is it?”

  
“It’s mine. Not everyone gets an allowance.”

  
David’s eyes flicker towards Allen.

  
“Leave! Get out!” he shouts.

  
Allen obeys immediately and stumbles out of the room. David stops Lucien when the boy was going to follow suit.

  
“I need to speak to you. Alone.”

  
David needed to give him the paper he was working on for his schooling, but also tell him that he doesn’t appreciate him bringing unwanted guests into his apartment. “Bill is fine. I don’t like Allen and I don’t want him in my home.”

  
Lucien ignored him and moved over the side to put on his coat to leave.

  
David sighs and gives him the paper, Allen watching from the bathroom.

  
“It only has to be 5 pages,” Lucien tells him, flipping through the long essay, “You make me too smart. They’re gonna know somethings up.”

  
David takes Lucien’s coat from him and puts it on for him nicely. “And get you sent back to your mother? That would just be the end of you.”

  
“Fuck you.” Lucien mumbles out, moving his arms to let the coat be put on properly.

  
David sees Allen looking at them just then and slams the bathroom door shut.

* * *

 

**_Professor Steeves class, Columbia University_ **

  
“Kill your darlings.” The professor begins on Allen’s first day back in class. He was probably going to get in trouble for skipping so much, but he didn’t care. He still got his work done, so what was the harm? Lucien didn’t go though so Allen was all alone in the classroom full of people he didn’t really like.

  
“Your crushes, your juvenile metaphysics. None of them belong on the page. It is the first principle of good creative work. A work of fiction you will deliver as your final exam.”  
Professor Steeves looks around his classroom and finally spots Allen looking hungover and bored of being there. He was writing in a notebook and not even bothering to pretend to be paying attention, too.

 

“Oh, look. Whitman Jr. graced us with his presence today.”

  
Allen looks up, knowing it was about him. Before he could stop him, professor Steeves was grabbing his journal and reading it out loud,

  
“The New Vision. Extraordinary men propel us forward, it is our duty to break the law” he reads off, looking down at Allen over his glasses, “Fantastic.”

  
“There’s more life in those five pages than in the dozens of bad sonnets we’ve read in this class.”

  
Allen was just as surprised as Steeves was. It was the first time he’s ever purposely insulted a teachers teaching ability or even defied anyone ever. He hated this class and wanted Professor Steeves to know exactly that. The work they did in there was pointless. Lucien was a student like he was and the boy has taught him more than Professor Steeves had.

  
“You want life? You want the world on fire?” Professor Steeves motions towards the classroom door then to Allen, “The war awaits. What will it be?” he flops the journal back down on Allen’s desk and walks away from him. Allen felt ashamed.

* * *

 

**_Lucien’s dorm room, Columbia University_ **

  
A rainstorm was happening outside of the windows of the dorm room, making the room look darker than usual, but still quite cozy. Allen was pacing around it soberly as a wine drunk Lucien drinks from the bottle and reads Allen’s journal.

  
“ _The rose that scents the Summer air, grows from my beloveds hair?_ ” he reads out loudly with the same face he gave Bill and David about Ogden Nash’s poem in the bar.

  
“Keep going. That’s my sonnet for Steeves.” Allen explained, stopping his pacing and watching Lucien read. The poem may have been for class, but it was about Lucien. If only Lucien knew that he was reading a poem someone wrote about him with a disgusted look.

  
Lucien doesn’t keep reading and merely flips through the rest of the journal, looking disappointed.

  
“We have the map. We have the manifesto. We just need the work.” He begins, shaking his head and taking another drink of the wine, “I was wrong. Maybe you aren’t up for this after all.”

  
Allen was just staring in disbelief. How could Lucien say that when half of the idea was all thanks to Allen himself? He was mad now.

  
“Show me your fucking map!” he rushes over to Lucien’s desk to find his journal and opens it. It’s empty.

 

“No, stop!” Lucien shouts, rushing over like Allen did.

  
“Oh, right. You don’t have anything because David’s not here to write it for you!” Allen shouts out, irritated at Lucien. He shoves the journal back down on the desk as Lucien stares at him, furious and drunk.

  
“It’s complicated.”

  
“I _love_ complicated.” Allen mimics Lucien’s own words, making Lucien clench his jaw.

  
“He’s a professor working as a janitor so he can be near his precious Lu Lu. He’s a goddamn fruit who won’t let me go.”

  
Allen quiets at this. So he and David weren’t together? He wouldn’t deny that the new found information made him happy, but…fruit?

  
“A fruit?”

  
“A queer.”

  
Allen felt his chest sink into his stomach at that. He should’ve known that someone as incredible as Lucien wasn’t into boys. The way he spat out the word queer made Allen think that he hated the fact that David wanted him. That any man would ever want him. Lucien sits down on the bed with the bottle of wine and Allen follows him, sitting beside him. He felt sad, but didn’t want Lucien to realize it.

  
“Then let’s get rid of him.” He finally says, making Lucien peel his lips off of the wine bottle and fall over into his lap.

  
“Right now, I just need you to write us something beautiful.” Lucien says softly, slurring his words. “First thought, best thought.”

_Allen runs a finger through Lucien’s soft, blond hair. He felt like he could barely breathe. Lucien was so beautiful and Allen was so, so close to him. Something that was so amazingly perfect was laying across his lap, hand resting on the bottom of Allen’s leg, gripping just enough for it not to fall down. He thought Lucien was asleep, but when his fingers touch the boys cheek, making their way to his lips, Lucien’s eyes open and he looks up at Allen. It was a look of lust and just as Allen was about to say something, Lucien tilted his head more and let Allen’s finger slip into his mouth. His warm and wet lips curved around the finger, sucking on it gently with his eyes focusing on the boy above him the whole time. Allen was at a loss for words._

Allen stares down in his lap at a sleeping Lucien, playing back the day dream he just had in his head and realizing how entirely fucked he was.

* * *

 

**_Allen’s dorm room, Columbia University_ **

  
Allen stares at his type writer with no idea what to write. He was blocked, but Lucien needed something beautiful to be written so Allen was going to give it to him. He thinks back to their encounters, seeing flashes of their time together in his head, replaying conversations. His mind goes back to the party they went to at David’s when Lucien said, ‘Allen in Wonderland’. It was something, wasn’t it? He could make it something. He writes the words down, searching through more of his memories and still gets nothing. Absolutely nothing. Unlike Lucien, Allen needed help getting beautiful.

* * *

 

**_Bill’s apartment_ **

  
“Pervitin.” Bills says beside a man in his 30's, looking really shady. Allen was unsure, but Bill had assured him that if he wanted something beautiful, this was the way to get it.  
Bill nods to the man called Norman and watches as he opens up a briefcase full of drugs.

  
“The Germans call it the ‘wonder drug’. Prescribed for super-human feats.” Bill explains to Allen as he picks out a green pill bottle from the briefcase and gives it to Allen. Hesitantly, Allen pops two pills into his pocket to take when he gets back to his dorm.

  
“But, beware of the side effects. Sudden blindness, bouts of diarrhea, heart palpitations, and a severe decline in moral standards,” he begins listing off, staring at Allen who was sitting in a chair. “But the words…oh, the words.” He ends with a look of passion.

* * *

 

**_Allen’s dorm room, Columbia University_ **

  
Allen took the pills as soon as he got into his room. Luke was gone so Allen wasn’t worried about whether or not he would be caught on the pills. Not long after, Allen is sitting at his desk in front of his type writer and everything feels like it was in double time. Everything was going so quickly and Allen just started typing his head off. He’s sweating, in a rush, and the words were coming to him like vomit. They were spilling out onto the paper like they were forcing themselves out. Music was playing in his room loudly and he was tapping his foot to the beat, typing faster and faster with each passing minute. He suddenly stops, reaching into his pants and jerking himself off. He was hard and needed it gone right away. His hand went just as fast as he was typing, like his mind was running around on fire and his hand was following. Allen jumps up when he finishes, running around the room before grabbing the type writer and putting it on the floor. He had so much energy that he didn’t know where to put it all. He needed to run. He ran and ran around the room, stopping by the type writer each time and writing more words. Memories were flooding into his head of Lucien, Bill, and David. Every time he would see a scene from his past, an idea would come out onto the paper and words would bloom out beautifully. From David at his party, calling him an ‘unbloomed stalwart’, Allen suddenly knew what he meant. To Lucien at the bar talking about making the prisoners come out and play at their terrible school of Columbia. To Bill asking what he hates from the pit of his stomach, the derangement of the senses. He needed to open his mind and see what he hasn’t seen before. Allen was doing just that. Images of Lucien came flooding in again, him laughing, him on the train, him sleeping in his bed in Paterson, him smoking on the porch, him smiling, him drinking, him falling to the ground, him laying on Allen’s lap, him, him, him. Everything was Lucien Carr in Allen’s mind and before Allen knew it, he was laying in bed, running.

  
“What the hell are you doing?” Luke’s voice calls out into the dorm room, watching Allen with a confused face.

  
“Writing!” Allen shouts back, eyes closed as he watches visions of Lucien continue playing in his head while running on his bed, back against the mattress.

* * *

  
**_Lucien’s dorm room, Columbia University_ **

  
“Lu! It’s very rough, but-” Allen says out of breath as he barges into Lucien’s room, only to find David sitting at Lucien’s desk.

  
David turns from the type writer to look at Allen, a bit amused that Lucien has Allen writing for him too. Allen wasn’t special.

  
“Ah. The Vision at last, can I see?” David asks, getting up from the desk with a paper.

  
Allen moves his work behind his back and eyes David curiously, “Where’s Lu?”

  
“He’s out. With a senior, some football player. A writer and handsome, too. Think his name was James? No, wait. Jack... it was Jack.”

  
“You’re not allowed to be here.” Allen ignores him, wondering what would happen if he called the police and told them David was an intruder on campus.

  
“That’s odd since I’m the only thing keeping him here.”

  
Allen snaps at that. David was a creepy old man who was harassing Lucien, really. Lucien didn’t want him around.

  
“Not anymore.”

  
David puts on his jacket and squints at Allen, walking up to him. “Piece of advice. You don’t know Lu. As soon as you think you do, he’ll find someone else. Perhaps he already has.” He smirks as he walks off, hinting to Allen that Lucien was probably in bed with Jack as they speak. Allen wanted to hit him.

Allen ends up falling asleep waiting for Lucien to get back. He was woken by the door opening and closing around 3 am. It was Lucien.

“What are you, moving in?” Lucien asks when he sees Allen sit up from his bed.

  
“Where have you been? I came here looking for you only to find David in here.”

  
Lucien stops taking his clothes off at the mention of David, but then continues on, “I found a real writer. Already a million words under his belt before Columbia.”

  
“Jack?”

  
Lucien fumbles with his belt, taking it off and tossing it onto a chair, stripping out of his clothes.

  
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Allen keeps on.

  
“What am I supposed to do? Newsreels?” Lucien shoots back, climbing into bed with Allen and seeing the papers in his hand.

  
“What’s that?”

  
“Nothing.” Allen shakes his head, putting the papers in his pocket.

  
“If you’re going to stay, don’t hog the blanket.” Lucien says, not pressing on finding out what the papers were and laying down on the bed, facing away from Allen.

  
Allen felt jealous. He wanted Lucien to think he was real writer and not some jack off named Jack. He wanted to be the only one Lucien could see.

  
“Why is Jack a real writer?”

  
“Once you meet him, you’ll see what I mean.” Lucien says with his eyes still closed, trying to go to sleep.

  
Allen stays sitting up for a moment, trying to decide if he should stay or not, but quickly decides that he will and goes back to sleep.

* * *

 

**_Bill’s apartment_**  
The next day, Allen and Lucien hung out with Bill for a while. Bill was talking about some new job he was trying to get, but couldn’t tell them about it yet. Apparently, it was top secret and would let them know as soon as he could. He did mention that it paid well and that it was in Chicago, though. Allen couldn’t help but noticing the look on Lucien’s face when he said it was in Chicago. He went from teasing Bill about the job to looking like he had just seen a ghost.

  
They sat around on he couch for a while, ate some burgers and drank some beer.

  
“Hey, I never asked you this, how did you guys meet?” Allen asks to neither in particular, just to whomever wants to answer.

  
“We both lived in Chicago.” Lucien says with a little half smile, taking a drink of his beer. “I went to the University of Chicago for a while and David introduced us. Though, as I'm sure you’ve noticed, we like Bill more.” He winks, looking over at Bill. “Isn’t that right? You’re everyone's favorite.”

  
Bill waved his hand to shut Lucien up and groaned as the boy continued talking, “Chicago is a dump. I never want to go back, I hate it there. Limited opportunities for people like me.” Bill gave Lucien a look at that and Lucien pretended like he didn’t see it, but Allen sure did. What happened in Chicago? He wanted to ask how David and him met, but he figures with how upset Lucien got last time they spoke about it that it wasn’t a good idea.

 

* * *

 

**_118th Street, Jack's apartment_ **

  
Lucien finally brought Allen over to Jack’s apartment. He was so excited for Allen to meet Jack and talked about it nonstop. “You’re going to love him.” Allen doubted that, but had just nodded in response. He wondered what Jack was like and really hoped the man was ugly if Lucien wanted to be around him so much.

  
Allen was wrong. Absolutely and completely wrong.Jack was beautiful. When the man opened the door, Allen wanted to take his face and kiss it all over. His jawline could cut a cake, his arms could pick Allen up and toss him across the room, and his smile made the heavens open up. Allen was in awe so much, that he didn’t even bother being jealous over Jack when it came to Lucien. He didn’t blame anyone for finding this man handsome. Luckily though, this man had a girlfriend and didn’t seem to be interested in men at all.

He and Lucien were sitting on Jack’s couch when a stack of papers was placed on his lap by Lucien. “Read this and you’ll see how brilliant Jack is.” They both got a glass of wine and relaxed on the couch while Jack was messing around with a football. The paper Allen was reading was terrible. He looked up for just a split second when Jack pretended to throw the ball at him.

  
“No.” Allen shook his head, not wanting to play around with a sweat covered football.

  
Jack didn’t care though and threw the ball anyway, Lucien watching with a wine glass up to his lips, laughing. The football hit a painting on the wall behind the couch and fell over onto Allen’s head, the frame hanging around his neck.

  
“Jack? What was that?” a woman’s voice calls out from the kitchen at the loud crash noise.

  
“The damn cat.” Jack smirks at the two boys and winks, Lucien giggling at him.

  
He goes over to the couch and leans over to put the painting up on the wall again, his crotch in Allen’s face. Allen would’ve stared, but the idea of a dick being that close to him was terrifying so he turned his head away. Not to mention that staring at someones crotch would be completely rude. Lucien had other ideas on it though. Allen could see him checking out Jack’s ass as he was putting the painting up and it made Allen question if maybe he just didn’t like David alone and really was into boys. Maybe Lucien has checked out his ass before. Allen hopes he has. When Lucien realizes that hes been caught staring at Jack, he smirks at Allen before looking away as Jack steps off the couch, seeing a piece of mail addressed to him next to Allen. It was a vinyl record sent to him from his best friend Sammy.

  
“Hey, when did this come?” he shouts out to the woman in the kitchen.

  
“Today. Where is Sammy now?”

  
“I dunno. Some battleship.”

  
Jack opens up the packages and goes to the front of the living room where the phonograph was.

  
“Its brilliant, no?” Lucien asks Allen as he sees the boy still reading Jack’s manuscript.

  
“It’s missing some periods and commas.” Allen says blankly, staring at the garbage on his lap.

  
“It’s better than anything you’ve ever written.” Lucien takes a drink of his wine.

“I use periods and commas.”

  
“Both of you, quiet!” Jack demands, throwing the football at them again, Lucien laughing once more.

  
He starts the vinyl up and listens to his best friends voice,

  
_“Jack, how are you chum?”_

  
“Sammy, you bastard.” Jack grins at his voice.

  
“Who’s Sammy?” Lucien wonders.

  
“My best friend since I was 12. Off in the Navy.”

  
_“We’ve just been through 20 days of German shelling, every 3 hours, night and day. This will be my last one for a while. We’re headed out to the front. Some beach near Rome. Anzio?”_

  
Sammy’s voice was cut off by the woman in kitchen telling Jack to go to the table. Jack shuts off the phonograph and goes to sit at their kitchen table, leaving Lucien and Allen on the couch.

  
An attractive woman comes out of the kitchen holding a big bowl of food, eyes setting on the two men on her couch. She looked annoyed. Lucien offers her a smile, wine glass still in his hand.

  
“I didn’t know we were having guests.” The woman ignores the smile and the way it disappeared when she didn’t acknowledge it.

  
She goes over to the table and pours some food into a bowl for Jack, looking like something similar to shit. Literally.

  
“What’s this?” Jack asks, not wanting to eat the brown glop.

  
“I was aiming for stew.” The woman chuckles a little, not seeing what was wrong with her food.

  
“You missed.”

  
Jack gets up and grabs his jacket off of the chair and goes into the living room.

  
“Um, where are you going?” The woman goes after him, crossing her arms.

  
“Out.”

  
“Out? I have been cooking all day for you.”

  
“What do you want me to do? Eat shoe leather? I'm hungry and what you do in the kitchen is unholy!”

  
“That's funny. You talk like a Catholic, but you fuck me and won’t marry me. How does that work?” she starts shouting, offended.

  
Lucien and Allen sit quietly on the couch, watching the couple fight.

  
“Shut your mouth, Edie.”

  
“I thought you liked it wide open.” Edie shoots back, stepping closer to Jack.

  
Lucien and Allen had looks of surprise on their faces, completely amused by this fight. Neither had ever seen a couple fight like that and both just wanted to laugh.  
Jack immediately leaves the apartment at that, walking right past Lucien and Allen. Both boys just stared at Edie, unsure of what to do. She gives a tight smile and nods her head towards the door, “Scram.”

* * *

  
**_Riverside Park_ **

The three boys were walking down the sidewalk in the park, water on one side and trees on the other. The air was a bit chilly, but it was a nice night nonetheless. Lucien had snagged the bottle of wine from Jack’s place, but ended up being the only one drinking from it and right out of the bottle. Allen watched as his lips curled around the opening until Jack started talking to him.

  
“So, Al. You think my novel was shit?” Jack asks, remembering the look on Allen’s face as he read and the whole periods and commas problem.

  
“Not exactly. It’s-”

  
“It’s all true. Jack served in the Merchant Marines.” Lucien interrupts, looking at Allen.

  
“I’ve left school twice already. Columbia’s full of squares, not even sure why I bothered to come back.” Jack tells the two boys as they walk in the dark.

  
“Why don’t you just ship out again?” Allen asks sarcastically.

  
Jack stops and turns to him, “Trust me, sometimes when I fight with Edie, I want to.”

  
Lucien then spots a boat on the water near them, floating by the docks. He smirks, taking a drink of the wine, “Well you two did just fight.”

  
Jack looks over where Lucien was and laughs, patting him on the back, “Carr, you’re goddamn crazy.”

  
The two boys then run for the boat, Allen following behind. He wasn’t sure about getting on the boat, but he went anyway. After all, wasn’t that the point of their vision? Laws exist to be broken and stealing a boat would definitely qualify as breaking the law.

They’re in the middle of the water on the boat, Jack rowing for them as Lucien tells him all about their great idea.

  
“A New Vision?”

  
“Yeah.” Allen nods, giving a little smile.

  
“Sounds phony. Movements are cooked up by the people who can’t write about the people who can.”

  
“Lu, I don’t think he gets what we’re trying to do.”

  
“Listen to me, this whole town’s full of finks on the 30th floor writing pure chintz. Writers, the real writers, gotta be in the beds, in the trenches, in all the broken places. What are your trenches, Al?” Jack directs towards him, not rowing the boat anymore.

  
Allen was annoyed at Jack. He sounded more educated on it than he did and it was all in front of Lucien.

  
“Allen.” He corrects the man because he didn’t know what else to say.

  
“Right.”

  
Allen looks over at Lucien for help getting Jack off of his case, but he wasn’t any help.

  
“First thought, best thought.”

  
“Fuck you. What does that even mean?” Allen rolls his eyes at Lucien, hearing him laughing.

  
“Good. That's one. What else?” Jack nods his head towards Allen.

  
“Fuck your one million words.”

  
“Even better.”

  
“You don’t know me.”

  
“You’re right. Who is ‘you’?”

  
Allen stares at Jack, remembering he still has the paper he wrote for Lucien in his pocket that he never got to show him. He takes it out and stands up. Lucien looked intrigued.

  
_“Be careful._   
_You are not in Wonderland._   
_I have heard the strange madness_   
_long growing in your soul._   
_But you are fortunate.”_

  
Lucien’s face softens, realizing this poem is about him.

  
_“In your ignorance_   
_In your isolation,_   
_you who have suffered_   
_Find where love hides._   
_Give. Share. Lose._   
_Lest we die unbloomed.”_

  
Allen sits down, hearing only the sounds of the water between all three boys. Jack was the first to break the silence.

  
“Al, that was beautiful, kid.”

  
“You wrote that?” Lucien asks, thinking he wasn’t wrong after all. A funny feeling was growing inside of him and even though he already knew he was attracted to Allen, it was much stronger after the poem. There’s no way Allen doesn’t have feelings for him. You can’t write a poem like that about someone without there being some kind of feeling behind it.

  
“You asked me to.”

  
Lucien sits up with a smile and puts his hands together, gathering his friends close.

  
“Forget Columbia. Forget Ogden Nash. Here’s the plan, boys. We join the Merchant Marines, sail the world until the war ends, then jump ship and make it to Paris for the liberation.” He was extremely determined for this plan. It was the perfect plan.

  
“You don’t speak French.” Allen points out to him, but still on board for the plan.

  
“Jack does. It’ll be us, together, at the beginning. It’ll be the perfect day.”

  
Lucien and Allen locked eyes and Allen wanted to kiss him. He probably would’ve if Jack wasn’t there.

  
A loud horn broke their eye contact, a bright light shining on them as a coast guard brought a megaphone up to his lips, “Don’t move!”

  
“Jesus Christ.” Jack groans out. They were in trouble.

  
“Put your hands up in the air!” the coast guard continued.

  
All three boys were terrified, looking around at one another, hoping one of them had a plan to get out of it, but nobody did.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I own nothing. All rights go to John Krokidas.
> 
> Any mistakes are my own.

**_Columbia University_ **

  
Jack, Lucien, and Allen were taken out of the boat by the coast guard, getting a talk by the man on stealing property. They played innocent and claimed that they had no idea it belonged to someone since it was just sitting there on its own, assuming it was there in case anyone wanted to use it. At first, the coast guard didn’t believe them, but they played dumb so well that they eventually convinced the man of it. “Well, you boys need to ask someone next time. Don’t go doing anything else foolish, you understand? Don’t wanna have to see you lot again.” Unfortunately, even though they were let off the hook with the guard, the man still informed their parents and school of their actions. Lucien had lied about his name, but was forced to confess his real one when Columbia said they didn’t have such a student called ‘Arthur Rimbaud’. The coast guard let them go after informing everyone and Allen was terrified of what his father would say. He has never done anything like this before and felt so stupid for letting Lucien and Jack convince him to join them. They could’ve gotten into some serious trouble. The entire time, Lucien didn’t seem to be taking it seriously either. At least Jack was being respectful towards the man, trying not to dig his hole even deeper. Lucien just made little sarcastic comments that the guard took as him actually being stupid. Allen knew better than that though. They parted ways after, the guard watching them leave. Jack went back to his apartment and Allen took Lucien back to school where they were now being forced to speak with the Dean separately. Lucien’s mother was already at the school when they arrived so the boy had to go first. They exchanged a ‘good luck’ look to one another as Allen waited in the hall, watching Lucien disappear into the Dean’s office.

  
“You’ve managed to matriculate and drop out of Tulane, Bowdoin, and the University of Chicago.” The older man began, sitting at his desk with Lucien’s file out in front of him, Lucien and his mother sitting in chairs. The small office was painted a medium red color, a cherry wood desk sitting inside with lots of little knick knacks sitting around decoratively. Didn’t look like a Dean’s office at all since there was hardly anything relating to the school there in the room. Looked more like a lawyers office, really; one of those shady lawyers who paid under the table and didn’t even have a degree. “Your attendance record here is abominable. You’ve ignored curfew. Your papers, when you bother to turn them in, exceed the assigned page limit,” The Dean continues, putting down the folder on Lucien Carr, “Can you explain to me why you’re even here at Columbia?”

  
Marion Carr was sat beside her son, puffing on a cigarette with her elegant clothing clung tightly to her body. She wore some expensive white gloves on her frail arms and a look of distaste on her face. She didn’t want to be there and felt that her son shouldn’t be in there either.

  
“Same reason you’re here.” Lucien finally spoke, blank expression on his face with his legs crossed.

  
“What is that?”

  
“Loose Barnard girls.”

  
The Dean took a deep breath at the smutty words coming from this students mouth, taking his glasses off to rub his nose in frustration as Marion gives a weary smile to the man. Lucien was difficult to understand, she knew his words were just a defensive mechanism that he’s developed. Her son didn’t actually mean them.

  
“I know about your difficulties, about what happened in Chicago.”

  
Allen sat outside the door, listening in to the conversation. When he heard the Dean mention Chicago, his eyes squinted as he tried to concentrate on the words coming from the other side of the door. He needed to know, but he didn’t want to ask.

  
Lucien, on the other hand, didn’t want to hear it. This man knew about what he did and he was mortified and angry and terrified and betrayed all at the same time. He glares at his mother, voice full of anger despite the million emotions running around inside of him, “You told him?”

  
“He’s not the enemy.” She says softly, sympathetic for her boy.

  
“See, the University acts in loco parentis. You are our responsibility. We’re trying to find a way to make this all work.”

  
It was like Lucien couldn’t hear. Everything sounded like it was underwater and he couldn’t understand a word neither his mother nor the Dean were saying. He was beyond angry. He was fuming.

  
“Who said anybody could know anything about anything?” He shouts, exploding with disgust at both of them.

  
“Lucien, your temper!” His mother reminds him, trying to stay calm so he didn’t get any worse.

  
Allen listened more outside the door, but looked away from it when he heard footsteps approaching. It was his father and some woman that he didn’t know.

  
“Allen? What the hell is going on?” His father raises his voice, angry that he had to come all the way up to his sons school because he couldn’t behave himself.

  
“Who’s she?” he asks, ignoring his fathers question.

  
The woman had brown hair that was tied up in a tight bun on her head, bushy eyebrows, and a nervous look on her face. “Hi. I’m Edith Cohen.” She smiles small at Allen, hoping to impress him.

  
“What’s she doing here?”

  
Edith then realizes that Louis never told his son about their relationship so she decides on leaving the two men alone so they could speak privately, “I’ll go wait outside.” She says, patting Louis’ arm lovingly. It was a gentle sort of touch that made Allen see that they were together and probably have been for a long time.

  
“So that’s why you locked mom up.” Allen notices, watching Edith walk away before looking back at his father. Louis just slapped him in his face instead of answering him back. His son had become disrespectful ever since starting at the University and Louis didn’t like it.

  
Lucien then storms out of the Dean’s office, glancing at Allen before trudging off down the hall with his mother following him.

 

“Lucien!” she shouts, trying to catch up to him.

  
“Did he put you up to this?” Louis questions him sternly, his liking of Lucien disappearing completely. It was all that boy’s fault, “You have been nothing but disrespectful since you’ve began hanging out with him. You are screwing your life up, Allen! I don’t want you hanging out with that boy anymore, do you hear me? This was all his idea wasn’t it? You’re lucky they don’t kick you out of school for this!”

  
Allen stares at his father, suddenly gathering courage to defy him. “No. I stole the boat, and it was tremendous.”

  
It felt good. It felt freeing to lie like that to his father, to make him feel like Allen wasn’t this goody two shoes son who spent his time taking care of his mother. He didn’t want to be that kind of son anymore. Allen wanted to feel liberated. He had spent all of his life trying to make his parents proud and the one time he ever does anything wrong, his father acts as if he just got sent to jail, tarnishing the Ginsberg name.

  
The Dean soon spoke with Allen and his father. He told the older man that it was his idea to steal the boat and was put on academic probation. The Dean expressed great displeasure for Allen at that moment, but let him off with a warning. “One more screw up and you’re out of this University. Got it?”

  
“Got it.” Allen nodded once, walking out of the room.

It was the next night before he finally saw Lucien again. He was in the gardens smoking a cigarette with a suitcase sitting by his feet. Allen figured he should go to all of his classes after learning he was on academic probation. Turns out that it was a bad idea. His teachers knew of what happened and kept trying to ask him about it. It was annoying. He liked it better when he only saw them when he chose to go to class.

  
“Where are you going?” Allen asks, walking up to him.

  
“You know me now. I’m only good at beginnings. Best of luck.” Lucien’s hoarse voice spoke out, obviously had been crying sometime between leaving the school and now.

  
“You’re dropping out?”

  
Allen couldn’t let him leave. He grabs the suitcase and moves it aside, sitting next to Lucien.

  
“My father showed up yesterday with some new woman and in the middle of the Allen’s-a-screw-up monologue, all of a sudden, I realize; I don’t care. I’ve never not cared, Lucien. So, I told them I stole the boat.”

  
“Why?” Lucien looks over, surprised.

  
“Because I don’t want to be the person they think I am. I’m on academic probation and I could get kicked out. You cant leave. You started something and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do next.”

  
Allen was being more honest than he felt he’s ever been. Lucien lit this fire within him and the thought of the boy leaving, never to return, made the fire feel like it was going to burn him from the inside out. With him around, he had the perfect balance inside of him and he needed Lucien so he could breathe in the fire. Without him, Allen would burn and slowly suffocate.

  
“It’s our turn. Let’s show them what we can do.”

  
Lucien was quiet, but completely moved by Allen’s words. They were going to get payback on the square filled city of Columbia University.

* * *

 

**_Library, Columbia University_ **

They made a plan; Lucien, Allen, Jack, and Bill.

  
The day after Allen convinced Lucien to stay at school, they went to see Bill with Jack and discussed this plan, introducing it to the 2 other men and grinning wide when they immediately wanted in. They all had a part in this plan and they needed it to work exactly the way they’ve planned otherwise they were surely to be caught. It took a few days of discussion to find out who had what part and what they would do exactly, but they eventually got it all mapped out.

  
Jack was the most important person in the plan. He was going to distract and seduce the Barnard girl on duty in the library so they could get to the key which Lucien would take and give to Bill so he could copy it using some molding clay while Allen kept a look out. It was perfectly planned out, nothing could go wrong.

  
Although Allen knew that he would be kicked out if caught, something inside was telling him to go for it. He didn’t want to be left out of it, he wanted it as much as the others did.

  
“You must not drink while you’re handling it, and no writing in it.” The librarian instructs a student who was checking out a restricted book. “It must come back exactly as you found it, understand?” The students nods and leaves the desk as the librarian leaves as well, going out of the library.

  
The young Barnard girl was left alone behind the desk now since it was her shift to help out. Jack smirks and takes one last chew of his gum before getting up, whispering to Lucien, “No telling Edie.” He takes the gum from his mouth and sticks it in Lucien’s palm, walking off to the counter.

  
Allen laughs quietly at the gum that Lucien was gagging about being in his hand, watching him stick it underneath the desk, “Fucker.”

  
“I see you checking out all these books and I’m asking myself; do you ever get checked out?” Jack asks the girl smoothly, leaning against the counter with a sweet smile on his face. The girl is glowing, giggling at Jack’s words before going out from behind the desk to walk off with him. Just then, another girl comes out and takes her place. “See you tomorrow.” This new girl waves to the other one who was leaving with Jack.

  
“Damn! Shifts over.” Lucien whispers out, seeing the plan has failed as Jack shrugs at his friends.

  
Allen considers the moment carefully before looking at the new girl and offering himself up, “I’ll go.” He slowly gets up and walks over, looking back at Lucien halfway there and seeing a look of worry on the boy’s face.

  
“Hi.” He says when hes finally in front of the new girl, name tag reading ‘Gwendolyn’. The girl didn’t say anything, just looking up at Allen with a smile.

  
“I was wondering if you could help me.”

  
Allen was nervous. He was probably sweating like a pig because he was supposed to get with this girl to distract her and he has no idea how to do that. He’s never been with anyone before.

  
“Sure.” Gwendolyn smiles politely.

  
“I’m looking for a book.”

  
“Okay. Does this book have a title?” She chuckles slightly.

  
Allen thought for a moment before speaking lower than before, but still loud enough for his friends to hear, “It’s called… _The Day Amanda Came_.”

  
Gwendolyn immediately caught on. She knew exactly what Allen was asking her to do. Lucien held back a laugh, shocked at Allen because he’s never heard the boy talk about anything sexual, ever.

  
“Well, you’ll have to wait. I can’t leave the desk.” She informs him suggestively, leaning over the counter to show her breasts more.

  
Allen turns slightly over to look at Lucien, feeling confident at his nod to keep going.

  
“I really need it.” Allen says quietly to her.

  
Gwendolyn looks around before pulling out a ‘Be back in 5 minutes’ sign and placing it on the desk.

  
“Okay. Only for you.”

  
They head off for the restricted section to be alone, Allen following behind her and waving at Lucien to hurry up. Once they were disappeared into the room, Lucien jumps up and runs, sliding over the librarians desk. He opens up the drawer where the keys are kept and digs around only to find old book cards and pencils.

  
“Shit!”

  
Bill looks over and tells Lucien to follow Allen and the girl and Lucien does just that. He runs around the corner and into the restricted section, walking around to find them.

  
“Working here must be a drag.” Allen was attempting some casual conversation so he didn’t have to go through with doing anything with Gwendolyn.

  
“I like it. It’s the only way I meet boys. They’re very strict at Barnard.” She says, stepping closer to Allen.

  
“How strict?”

  
“For example, they wouldn’t let me do this.” Gwendolyn says softly, lifting up her sweater to expose a light pink lace bra.

  
Allen felt his mouth go dry at that. She was definitely going to make this hard for him to get out of, wasn’t she?

  
“Right, no.” He nods, looking away from her chest.

  
“Did you know I’ve never done it with someone who was Jewish before? I’m really excited to see what it looks like.” She giggles, hands reaching down to undo Allen’s pants.

  
Allen stops her, getting uncomfortable with the situation.

  
“I’m sorry,” she pulls away, tugging her sweater back down, “I thought you were saying something, but not saying it. Should we find your book?” she moves away from him, looking awkward now.

  
Allen then sees Lucien peeking around the corner, looking confused at him. Lucien points to the keys in Gwendolyn’s hand while mouthing the word ‘keys’. Looking down at them, Allen realizes that he had no way out of this and he was going to have to do at least something with the girl.

  
“There is no book.” He suddenly tells her, looking away from Lucien after a minute or so, “Take it off.”

  
Gwendolyn raises an eyebrow at him and hesitates before speaking, “Really?”

  
Allen nods back.

  
She sets the keys on the table beside them and undoes her shirt buttons as Lucien silently grabs the keys, making sure they don’t jingle and walks away quickly to Bill who was standing at the end of the book section. They make a copy of the key as Gwendolyn speaks again, “No, you take it off.” Lucien hears her say.

  
A shirtless Gwendolyn smirks towards Allen and confesses to him, “I’m not a virgin, I’ve done it with 3 guys already.” She then kisses him harshly, multiple times before realizing Allen was being still and looking shocked. “You’re kind of a virgin though, huh?”

  
Allen shakes his head quickly, “No.”

  
“Liar. If you have done it before, you’ll last for 30 seconds. Start counting.”

  
Gwendolyn then sinks to her knees and opens his fly, tugging his pants down to expose him fully.

  
The feeling of lips around his dick was completely overwhelming. It was so strange, but good.

  
“ _1…2…_ ” he begins counting, her warm mouth bobbing on his dick.

  
Lucien then returns to see Allen getting blown, so obviously for the first time considering the look on his face. He leans his body back against the books and watches closely.

  
“ _3…4…_ ” Allen continues, looking up to find Lucien watching him. His mind immediately wonders and imagines Gwendolyn being Lucien; that it was him instead on his knees.

  
Lucien’s eyes flicker down to Gwendolyn briefly then back up to Allen. Their eyes met and the stare didn’t break. Something inside of Lucien wanted to make Allen come, not because of the girl that had her mouth on him, but because of him. Allen was probably imaging that it were him instead and it made Lucien a little aroused as well.

  
“ _5…6…_ ” Allen knew that was he was feeling inside wasn’t from Gwendolyn. It was all Lucien and the fact that Lucien was willingly watching him made Allen think he had a chance. He definitely had a chance.

  
“ _7…8…9…_ ” Allen comes when he gets to 9, gripping Gwendolyn’s hair and keeping the eye contact with Lucien for a moment, seeing him smirk then lay the keys back down quietly, walking away.

  
Gwendolyn rises back up as Allen pulls his pants back up, “I knew it.” She grabs the keys after putting her shirt back on, “I bet you don’t even read.”

  
“I do.” Allen says to himself when she leaves as he buttons his pants back up.

  
Back out in the library, Allen finds his friends giving him a congratulatory nod.

  
“Let’s go, boys. Time is of the essence.” Bill tells him and Lucien, Jack still gone with the first girl.

  
Allen looks towards Lucien as they leave, finding Lucien already looking at him. Neither smiled or smirked or blinked. The eye contact was silent and made Allen’s heart start to beat quicker.

* * *

 

**_Library, Columbia University_ **

  
It look a few days for the key to be completed since they used one of Bill’s shady friends. They would’ve used a lock smith, but they were afraid that someone would question what the key was made for or that the school would ask the lock smith company if anyone made a key recently that looked like their library one, then proceed to show the key. This way took longer, but it was better for their plan.

  
Lucien and Allen didn’t talk about the blow job incident. They merely acted as if it didn’t happen when they interacted. It was back to the way it was before with their laughter, drinking, smoking, talk of The New Vision, and hanging out with their friends normally. David hadn’t been around though since the night they went to his place and hung the book cut outs on his walls. Allen liked to think of it as a good thing. Maybe it meant that Lucien didn’t want him around anymore and finally told him to fuck off. One could hope.

  
“This is it guys. Our Bastille. No chickening out.” Lucien tells the group in the dark when they get inside of the library to make the plan come to life.

  
Jack, Bill, and him followed behind Lucien with flashlights, shining them around. Bill reached into Jack’s mouth and took his gum right from it, sticking it on the door frame to keep it open, the door was blocked from closing, sticking onto it.

  
They look at each other, give a silent nod, then split in directions. Lucien and Jack sneak off to the main hall of the library where the glass case is and Allen and Bill sneak off to the restricted section.

  
The gum falls off of the door frame and the door closes with a _click_ as it locks.

  
Bill uses the molded key to open the padded lock on the restricted section door, a _click_ as it unlocks.

  
Lucien and Jack unscrew the glass case and take the books out of it, placing them aside.

Outside of the library, David walks in the street lamp lit street and approaches 2 campus security guards.

  
“Excuse me, gentlemen. I think I saw some light or movement in the library.” He informs them, watching them give a nod appreciatively before flicking their flashlights on and moving towards the building.

Bill throws the gates open and an alarm immediately goes off. A loud, buzzing fills the air as Lucien and Jack look at each other worriedly. None of them were expecting an alarm.

The guards catch the noise of the alarm and race to unlock the chain holding the library doors closed.

Bill and Allen rush past the gate, shining their flashlights and searching through the books until they find what they’re looking for. Bill tosses the books to Allen then they rush to Lucien and Jack.

  
The boys take the books from Allen and start to put them in the case, freezing when the alarm suddenly stops.

  
“What just happened?” Jack whispers to the group, heart pounding.

  
“We know you’re in here!” one of the guards shouts into the dark library.

  
They were caught. Their plan failed.

  
All of the boys except Lucien race back to the door they came through. Lucien stayed behind and was ducked behind the table that the glass case sat on, clicking off his flashlight.

  
The guards enter the room the boys were all in, searching around with their flashlights.

  
Jack, Allen, and Bill reach the door only to find it locked.

  
“What the hell, Bill? It’s locked!” Jack whispers, panicking that they were all about to be caught.

  
Allen turns around to see if he could think of another plan, but then notices Lucien was missing and his mind blanked.

  
The guards step right past Lucien and stop, making Lucien move on the other side of the case and cover his mouth so he didn’t breathe too loudly.

  
“Did you hear that?” one of the guards asks the other.

  
Jack, Bill, and Allen slide along the wall, going back to the main hall to find another exit then halt immediately when they see the guards’ flashlights.

  
“We know you’re here!”

  
“Come on out!”

  
Bill then spots glass doors across the room, leading out of the library. He points it out to the others, making Jack whip his flashlight into another room to lead the guards away from them so they can leave.

  
The guards rush to the noise and allow the group to make their way to the doors. They bolt, running quickly, and just as Allen was about to step out of the open doors, he remembers that Lucien was still inside.

  
“Wait, Lucien.” He tells Jack.

  
He turns and sees Lucien, still determined and working on the case of books.

  
Jack thinks its too risky and bolts out with Bill, leaving Allen alone to rescue Lucien.

  
He runs back to Lucien, thinking that the blond boy has officially lost his head. He didn’t understand how Lucien could still be trying to finish it when the guards would be back any minute and find them.

  
“Lu, that’s enough! What’s wrong with you? Come on!” Allen begs, trying to pull him away from the case.

  
Lucien fought back and got out of Allen’s arms, “No. Not yet. We have to finish.” He said seriously, continuing to work.

  
A flashlight comes into the room, catching Allen and Lucien.

  
“Don’t move!” one of them tells the boys then grabs Lucien.

  
Allen made a run for it, fleeing from the guards. Lucien struggles in the guards hold, trying to get away, but stood no chance.

  
“Get off of me! Allen!” Lucien shouts out for his friend, “Allen, help!”

  
Allen stops when he’s called, turning back to look at him. If he stays to help, there’s a good chance they would both be caught. But, if he didn’t try to help Lucien, it could ruin everything. Even besides the fact that he wanted to date Lucien, Allen didn’t want his friend getting in trouble.

  
He spots a wall of switches and desperately reaches for them, flipping them all on at once.

  
The lights in the library turn on all together, making a blinding flash in everyone’s eyes.

  
Lucien immediately gets what Allen is doing and prepares himself to run.

  
Throwing down all of the switches, Allen looks at Lucien and watches him escape from the guards. He and Allen make a run of it when reunited, running around the corner to the glass doors. The guards were chasing after them.

  
They open up the two glass doors and find themselves still locked in. Lucien bangs on the next set of doors, the ones leading out into the free world, while Allen hold the guards off, keeping the glass doors shut. The guards were shouting and cursing at them, telling them to open the fuck up.

  
Bill and Jack struggle to unlock the doors for their friends, but finally get the locks off, opening the doors and letting them escape. Breathing heavily, all 4 boys keep the doors closed with force, the guards pounding on them. Bill manages to lock the doors back successfully then the group makes a run for it.

* * *

 

**_Library, Columbia University_ **

  
It was a quiet morning the next day at the library. Nobody noticing anything was different whatsoever. It was like nothing ever happened the night before. Students were reading quietly in their seats, others were using a type writer and working on homework before class begins, and the librarian had even been drinking coffee at the desk like normal, waiting for someone to check a book out or need help finding one. Everything was as it normally was.

  
That's why, when the tour guide came in with another group, it was also normal and nobody bothered to look up from what they were doing.

  
“The South Hall library is a church, and these are the sacraments.” The boy said about the glass case like an old, broken record player.

  
The crowd mumbles in shock, staring within the case at the strange books inside, then began laughing. The guide, confused, turns around and sees that the books in the case have been switched out. The _Kama Sutra_ book has been opened up to a salacious page, explicit images from a _Grecian urn_ , _Lady Chatterly’s Lover_ , _Ulysses_ ; all the were books banned, restricted, and kept from the public eye. The book on the end was one of Lucien’s personal favorites: _Tropic of Cancer_ , by Henry Miller.

  
The prisoners have come out to play.

  
“Oh. My. God.” The tour guide gasps, looking around to see who was responsible for such an act.

  
The only thing left at the scene was a note left on the glass, made up of different sized letters like the letters had been cut out individually from many different books, reading, ‘ _The New Vision_ ’.

* * *

 

_**West End Bar** _

  
The next day, Bill, Jack, Allen, and Lucien found themselves in a bar. Every boy had a shot glass in front of him, feeling the need to celebrate their accomplishments.  
They each held up their shot glass as Lucien made a toast, “To literacy.” He grinned, everyone downing their shot right after.

  
Music was playing over the jukebox, a lazy, drunken afternoon in their midsts. Allen hadn’t ever felt so good. He felt strong and capable of anything. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but he still embraced the feeling.

  
Looking around, Allen gazes his eyes over the wall by their table and spots a familiar boy in a football uniform.

  
“Jack, that’s you, isn’t it?” he points up to the photo.

  
Jack laughed and scanned his eyes over the photo, remembering his glory days very well. It had started back in high school. He would stay out on the field with the school’s football team and imagine the day he would get to play on it. He was a scrawny kid and nobody, not even his dad, ever believed that he would be able to make it onto the team, but they never told him to stop believing. The coach had even allowed Jack to oversee their practices. Watching their every move and learning the moves, Jack became familiar with the sport quickly. He still didn’t make the team when try outs began every year, though. Until one time, the coach was demonstrating a new move for the team, using Jack as an example. He succeeded in the move and made quite the impression on the coach. When a player got injured that season, the coach let Jack on the team. He stayed on the team and even became the best player at school, taking over as the ‘one to watch’ by scouts the year after. Jack even won them the biggest game in their entire school history. It made the papers, people were buying his old man drinks for raising one hell of a kid, and his father had even let him pick what was for dinner that night along with dessert; alcohol and a cigar was included in his prize. Jack was pretty great at the sport and got a full ride to Columbia because of it, even if he didn’t stay long.

  
“Yep. Last year. They still won.” Jack nodded, laughing again.

  
“Look at them.” Lucien spoke out, looking at the pictures with an amused expression.

  
“Souvenir history. To make people think they left some mark on the world, because otherwise, nobody would ever know,” Lucien then looks away from the wall and towards his friends, “I don’t ever want to end up on that wall.”

  
“Have no fear, you never will.” Jack teases him, making Allen laugh.

  
Suddenly, David appears and everyone's good mood had disappeared.

  
“What’s he doing here?” Allen mumbles out quietly to Lucien, trying not to look jealous, but failed miserably.

  
David walks over to Lucien and takes a paper out from his jacket, “Since you didn’t show up earlier, I just hoped to give you this.” He drops the paper in front of Lucien.

  
Seeing Lucien avoiding eye contact with David, Allen steps himself into the conversation, “Maybe he didn’t want to see you.”

  
“I think he can speak for himself.”

  
“Yup,” Lucien then speaks, not wanting anyone to fight, “And he says we should all have another round.” He stand up to grab more drinks, but David is blocking him, grabbing one of his arms and making Lucien try to push him off, except he can’t.

  
“You’ve had plenty of time to celebrate. Your library hijink made the morning paper. I’m sure you’re all very proud.” David’s voice was soft, but definitely not friendly.

  
Allen, Bill, and Jack look at each other suspiciously. They hadn’t told anyone about what they were going to do, how did David know?

  
“How did you know it was us?” Asks Allen, squinting towards David as Bill and Jack listened carefully.

  
“Did he use that ‘ _Bastille_ ’ line? Cause I gave it to him.”

  
The rest of the group looks at Lucien, shocked. Allen felt betrayed even though he had no right to. Lucien could see and talk to whomever he pleased, but Allen hated that it was David.

  
“I haven’t seen you for days.” Lucien mutters out towards David.

  
David then throws down Lucien’s cravat to the table. Allen eyes it, feeling his stomach drop.

  
“You left this at my place.” David says, looking at Lucien, waiting for him to retaliate.

  
Allen wanted to throw up at the thought of Lucien being alone with David. But instead, he retaliates for Lucien.

  
“You told the guards we were there. Nobody else knew.”

  
David doesn’t respond, he’s been found out.

  
Jack jumps up and shoves David harshly, “You little fink!” he shouts out as Lucien gets up as well, exploding at David as well.

  
“You wanted me to get kicked out! You ratted on me!”

  
“Stop, Lu. You’re losing control again. We both know what happens when you do, we know what happens next and that can’t happen.” David puts the attention on Lucien, trying to make them forget about the fact the told on them, but it wasn’t working.

  
“Yeah,” Allen starts, standing up and leaning towards Lucien, “Cut him off.”

  
Lucien looks away from Allen, back at David and glares, giving a near fatal look, “Best of luck, Janitor.”

  
“Excuse me?”

  
“We are over. Leave.” His voice was stern and sincere, but it was also low and deadly. Allen liked it.

  
Lucien takes the paper and rolls it up, forcing it into a drink on the table, shocking David as the glass shatters from the force.

  
“Look at me, Lu.” David says with tears starting to prickle in his eyes.

  
Lucien ignores him and sits down, lighting a cigarette with shaky hands. He needed another drink.

  
Bill then stands up, not wanting David to embarrass himself, “Let’s go.”

  
“You said I was everything to you. You are everything to me. Everything to me, do you hear me?” David pleads out, begging Lucien not to leave him. He felt like his entire body was breaking.

  
“Let’s go, Dave. Time and place.” Bill whispers to him, grabbing onto him.

  
“Shut up, traitor.” David spits out at him for befriending Allen.

  
Turning back to face Lucien, David gets angry.

  
“You’d be _dead_ if it weren’t for me.”

  
Lucien stills at that, feeling cold all over and completely mortified by the scene that David just caused. Allen just stared at Lucien, wondering what David meant by that, eyes flickering over to the door as David and Bill leave the bar.

  
Now Jack, Lucien, and Allen were alone at the table. Lucien starts smiling as if nothing just happened and leaned over to Allen, putting an arm around him,

  
“You’d be _boring_ if it weren’t for me.”

  
Both boys start cracking up together.

* * *

 

**_Riverside Park_ **

The 3 boys drank a lot more after that. They were piss drunk and Allen could hardly walk straight. They got the brilliant idea to go to the park and fuck around a bit after the bar closed. It was about 11 pm and Jack was currently trying to fit inside an empty barrel, completely trashed. When he finally fits inside, Lucien kicks it down the grassy slope, him and Allen watching as Jack rolls down. They cheer Jack on, laying back on the ground, leaning on their elbows. The barrel slams into a bench at the end of the slope, Lucien starts laughing.

  
“Jack? Jack?” he calls out, getting no response, “He broke his fucking neck! The warrior poet has passed on.”

  
Jack then staggers out of the barrel, both hands flying in the air victoriously.

  
“He lives!” Allen shouts, both boys cheering Jack on.

  
“Excellent! Judges award a…” Lucien looks towards Allen for an answer,

  
“Nine!” Allen holds out nine of his fingers to Jack, who then falls to his knees and pukes. Lucien and Allen start laughing again.

  
“Alright, Ginsy, your turn.” Lucien grins, playfully shoving Allen.

  
He tries to get up, but he falls right back down, way too drunk.

  
Lucien laughs, tucking his body closer to Allen’s.

  
Suddenly, Lucien wasn’t laughing anymore.

  
“This is just the beginning, you know.”

  
Lucien lays his head on Allen’s shoulder.

  
“Your fault, Ginsy. It’s all your fault.”

  
Lucien’s thigh brushes against Allen’s and Allen stares at him. This was it. This was his chance.

  
He looks around the park, seeing if anyone was out, but it was empty. The only other person was Jack and he was too busy emptying his alcohol filled stomach onto the ground to notice anything.

  
Allen takes his hand and moves it slowly against Lucien’s inner thigh, making Lucien look at his friends hand curiously, then up at him. This was the time. The moment he had been waiting for ever since he met Lucien.

  
“First thought, best thought.”

  
Allen leans over and kisses Lucien. It wasn’t heated, nor was it just a peck. It was in between the two, the perfect kiss. That is, until Lucien pulls back and stares at Allen. He may have been drunk, but Lucien felt sober. He was completely aware of what was happening and so was Allen. Lucien was absolutely terrified because even though he wanted to kiss him, at the same time, he couldn’t. But when Allen leaned in and kissed him again, the fear melted away. Lucien kissed him back, the kiss building with passion. It wasn’t only Allen who wanted it, but Lucien as well. He found Allen to be so handsome and beautiful and funny and kind and smart and fun to be around and Lucien wanted him. He wanted him so bad and it was bad that he did. The thought of what that girl did to him in the library made Lucien deepen the kiss. Allen pressed a hand onto Lucien’s cheek, pulling him in as they both got lost in each other. The kiss was hard and needy and Lucien was about to push his hips up against Allen’s other hand that was on his thigh when Jack’s voice shattered the moment.

  
“I think I just puked on the inside.” Jack was looking down at the ground when both boys looked over at him, wiping his mouth until he looked up at them.  
Lucien stares out into the night, feeling very horrified at what he had just done. What he and Allen had just done. They kissed. Made out. The both of them. 2 boys.  
It was a bad idea. A very bad, stupid thing to have done and Lucien wanted to leave. He needed to leave and get as far away from Allen as he possibly could.  
Allen glances over at Lucien, wondering what he was thinking because judging by the look on his face, it probably wasn’t what Allen wanted.  
Lucien stands up then as if nothing happened and gave Jack a devilish smile, “Let’s go, Jack.” He throws an arm around the boy, turning his back to Allen as they walk up the slope to leave. Jack stops and turns around to Allen,

  
“Wait, Al. You coming?”

  
Lucien glares at Allen, silently telling him not to.

  
“No, Allen’s got work to do. Ten pages on Spengler’s Decline of the West, due tomorrow.”

  
“Excuse me?” Allen asks blankly, not expecting to be blown off like that.

  
“I’d be lost without you, Ginsy.” Lucien tells Allen and looks over to Jack, “Come on, Lion.”

  
Jack looks at Allen suspiciously, giving Lucien the same look, but walks off with Lucien instead of saying anything.

  
Allen was all alone now and he was broken. Absolutely broken.

  
“Fuck!” he shouts, putting his head in his hands.

  
He just ruined everything.

* * *

 

**_118th Street, Jack’s apartment_ **

Lucien and Jack stumble through the door loudly, Jack knocking over a vase and laughing as Lucien saves it from breaking. No sign of what just happened on Lucien’s face.  
Jack goes into the other room to find Edie sitting with her grandma at the table, a cake in front of them as the news plays on the radio, saying that there’s been an attack in Anzio. Jack doesn’t hear though, too busy smiling at a furious Edie.

  
“Edie! Edie bird!” he grins out, drunkenly walking to the table, Lucien peeking around the corner.

  
“Lu’s going to use the loo.” He pretends to be sober and leaves the tense situation.

  
“Say hi to Gram.” Edie speaks out, voice cold.

  
Grandma Frankie just glared at Jack from across the table.

  
“We invited her over for her birthday. We made her a cake.”

  
Oh, fuck. He messed up big time. Jack walks into the kitchen, thinking he could save his ass.

  
“Then we should have a drink! How about a drink, Grandma Frankie? You want some red wine?” he asks from in the other room, Edie coming after him.

  
“Where the hell have you been?”

  
Edie was furious. Not only has Jack missed her grandma’s birthday after promising he would be there, but he came home completely drunk on the day of. He skipped her birthday to hang out with little kids who like to pound their alcohol and fuck up while doing it. She wasn’t having it anymore. She’s had enough.

  
“Out.” Jack replied dryly as he poured some wine into three glasses.

  
“I packed all of your stuff. It’s in your bag. I’m going to be at gram’s tonight.” She goes to walk away, but Jack grabs her.

  
“Don’t fucking touch me.” She yanks her arm away from him.

  
“Stay. I’m sorry.”

  
“You just say that, but it’s one of your million words and they don’t mean anything!” she shouts, not caring if gram heard. The woman would be proud. “Just don’t be here when I come back in the morning.”

  
Edie leaves not even ten minutes later with her grandma. Jack stood alone in the living room, staring at the door before he remembers that Lucien was over. He goes over into the bedroom to find Lucien sitting on the bed, staring into his lap.

  
“What’s wrong?” Jack asks, not that bothered by Edie because he knows they’ll be fine. They do this once a month it seems like.

  
Lucien looks up from his hands, staring blankly at Jack. He could just say it was Edie and he felt bad for coming over when it was so obviously not okay with her, but he also felt like he should tell Jack about what happened. Lucien was confused about it all. He liked it and didn’t like it at the same time. He wants more of it, more of Allen, but he also never wants to see him again. Lucien didn’t know what he felt. He didn’t know anything at all and he just couldn’t breathe.

  
“Or are you just really drunk and have no idea what I’m even saying right now?” Jack laughs a little, walking over to his dresser and stripping his clothes off. 

Lucien makes a conscious decision not to look over. He had spent so long avoiding the way he felt about boys and now he was going to have to either confront it and live a horrible life with it, or he was going to have to suppress it more and get rid of Allen. What if Jack and Bill didn’t want to hang out with him after? What if he accepted it and got with Allen, but they ditched him afterwords? Sure, they were fine with David being queer, but what about him? Would he be different? After all, they were closer to him than David. Lucien just didn’t fucking know anything anymore.

  
“No, I’m fine. I’m just tired now that I’ve sat my fat ass down.” He ends up saying with a laugh, getting under the blankets on Jack’s bed.

  
“Yeah, Edie threatened to kick me out. She went to stay with her grandma, but she’ll be fine. The arguing made me tired.” He climbs into bed next to Lucien and stares at the ceiling.

  
Neither of them say anything for a while, but Jack couldn’t stop thinking about the park and why Lucien pretty much forbid Allen from coming with them. 

“What happened with Al?”

  
Lucien’s breathing slowed at Jack’s voice. He closed his eyes for a long time and then opened them again. He should lie and say he has no idea and that Allen was just acting weird. But then Jack might ask him about when they see him next. Lucien still didn’t want to see Allen again. He doesn’t know what would happen if he did. Although, maybe Jack could help him make a decision about what to do. Staring at a dot on the wall, Lucien finally spoke after what felt like hours of silence.

  
“I need to tell you something.”


End file.
